After all these years, I’m still doing the stuff I had been since college. The difference is that the people are random. I don’t get it. I keep coming back on it when my brain tells me to stop. Is this some kind of addiction that every time I end up meeting new people I end up doing the same?
I have to admit that way back I was kinda curious about this kinda lifestyle. Doing parties on weekends, getaways or roadtrips and pigging out sessions with people. Now that I have a taste of it, it’s kinda dull. I guess because I keep doing it with different people that makes me going. It’s tiring, redundant and abusive to my sanity. Tried drinking or binge drinking, smoking whether its cigarettes or weed, and sleepless nights or hangovers on work. I don’t do drugs or any kinky stuff whatsoever that I keep my dignity intact. You know the feeling of being high? Not the drug addiction part, but the kind of you want to be lost in the music on the background, swaying your hair to the sweat and just laugh your problems away. Reaching your hands up in the air, banging you neck to the beat and doing whatever you wanna do. Party animal? Nah! I call it freedom. It’s the same feeling I have when I jumped through cliffs or pursed up from the water. The only thing that bothers me about it is that I feel that I am alone with this. I am kinda afraid if I force people to do the same, I’m abusing them. I live a life of more instinctual. Due to fact that I am enjoying it so much, I can’t distinguish if I am abusive. I tend to have this philosophy that you live once so grab it, but it’s getting way out of hand.
I go insane like this guy hahahaha
When all of those are over, sometimes I just take a pause, listen to what my heart is saying. But usually it says nothing, just silence. Sometimes I end up in tears. I still can’t figure out where the tears come from, my conclusions so far are that stress from all of the madness or that I am alone with it. I did share these concerns with friends, mostly of them said that I need to take a break from it like sleeping or having a new habit. The only reply I got that made me smile was that no matter how bad I may think of it I can still go back to the innocent me. The raw me when all I cared before were catching up with school and anime; that I know how to go out and get in safely.
Yikes! The madness did change me to some good and bad sides. I did make a lot of friends and talk more. Tend to have invites more often unlike before which I have to be mostly alone. I can still remember the days when I was at home waiting for something exciting to happen like an alien invasion. I am abusing my health though due to all of that.
The intervention I did was to take a haitus from it for a month, which I’m trying now. I’m on my third week but I did partied last Saturday due to some ‘heart-breaking’ issues by colleagues. So far I am happy with haitus. My fitness crazy is what my mind is busy from. I just like to have my excess belly to disappear! Hahahahaha kinda nice actually since I’m exposed to fewer toxins and yes I am that desperate. Why? Boredom. The only thing that usually drives me crazy on day offs. Why a month? Well next month is kinda big for me, last days of summer! Plus my sun and sand days are counted so better hit it up. Trying to taper it down, getting my energy back.
whoever doesn't want to join this kind of crowd?
Obviously if you manage to read it here, stopping the party in me would be kinda miles away. It’s not the eternal happiness that I was looking for… It’s the people who are the culprits of it. Definitely not hating them, it’s me who thinks that way.
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