Money Talks

Technically, money isn’t important right? Right? This statement has been circling around my head for 3 days now. Seems like the twisted of unluckiness has visited me. Left me broke and well thinking of ways for survival due to my cravings. It’s basically my fault since I miscalculated some spenditures, left me hanging until Monday.

shiny coins not in my wallet

My biggest problem is still money. I don’t get it. Well I don’t have any job… yet but I keep on losing my way back into spending everything to what heart’s desire. It’s my 5th year living in a place where I studied. I stayed in a shared room with my brother and allowances are my soul surviving skill to this place. Without it, I’m dead.

My brain keeps on yelling why do we have to bargain something to get what we want?? Yes its bad to steal and this world would be chaotic if no rules were applied. The problem is that how come money goes away easily. Simple, its all man’s idea of luxury. I do have my own luxurious dreams in life. Even if *coughs* my parents are not into those things, their daughter is.

My parents are included in those dreams though; like sending them to a cruise trip to their anniversaries or bringing my dad to his favorite tennis championship games or giving my mom her favorite pair of jimmy choo sandals. My brother can afford his own dream luxury since he’s a very very thrifty person! I wish I would be one but hence thanks to my father, I kinda inherit my spending skills from him! I just wish I could repay them the fee they gave me just for education. Education is the only thing they ever supported so much. By saying that I will always have my father playing in my head saying those exact words. I guess I am trained to be like this. And yeah I do get second thoughts on asking from them or cheating from them… my evil self always stayed quite when it comes to these money talks. (I’m also a goody cookie you know!)

luxury living! ok i am being materialistic haha

What if I could get a job now? On what? I don’t like to be in a call center (proud ego) or work as a private nurse on night shifts (a friend invited me). Seriously I lack skills on my nursing area. Its been like almost a year and never did I step to a hospital or clinic. As for the pay, didn’t ask I rather keep my license protected instead of risking it! That reminds me, I have a poofy face on my license, waaah it’s like I had facial edema! (sorry I won’t show it to you *sticks tongue out*)

Back to the money business agenda, hmm my survival mode is on today since last week I was spending my ass of mainly on food! Hahai reminds me of the debts I own. I don’t want to give any details about it, all I know is that I must must find a way in repaying them! I know my dignity has somehow being like stab again but still I will pay them! T_T

Wishful thinking…

The only part I want to be in a reality is that I’ll stop complaining and get my ass off the chair. There are no shortcuts to life, or fast forwards either.

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Half of my Heart

Sadly there’s no other half or that kind of crap in my heart… no matter what I do that part of my life is sealed tightly… thus they sometimes call me ‘manhid’ o cold hearted

Ok I admit, I went numb due to reasons that I felt something, ‘something’ true. And I experienced it twice in my lifetime already… other words one sided.


One was way back in high school, he’s kinda big brother to me… I dunno since he was the one who always listened to me… I kept myself hidden, for like 2 years I guess, I lost count… confuse was the right word at that time since my battle for his friendship was prioritize more than what I felt. True, I did get hurt when he told me he liked someone. Ironically until now, they’re together but it made me realized that the hiding part was a ok since he still respect me as what I am. Oh about my feelings? They’re kinda gone… completely and time was really really the one who aided me since. I felt happy for them and I won’t be surprised if those two would end up getting married. Ha! I’ll be there witnessing it without any second thoughts.

Second happened in college, I fell for someone who was a complete loser! Hahhaha but he’s nice, very talkative and we have some similarities as well. I must say that we don’t get to talk that much before and I guess he sees me like an aquated friend. Still the question bugs me why on earth did I ever like him for the first place. Its like it happened suddenly, unlike earlier there was a constant exposure but this, all we did was smile, chit chat a lil and that’s it. Maybe I was really really drawn to him I guess. Aka this person is the reason why I started again to post to this blog. Booho! Just read the previous entries in 2008 about this one.

Yes the problem with me is that I really don’t like people to notice something… I dunno maybe I’m scared! Still when it comes to that aspect of life, I’ll fail perfectly. People surrounding me keeps asking me why oh why I’m still single… maybe ‘daw’ because I act funny o like a tomboyish way? What’s wrong with that, I mean that’s the me since elementary…for all I care but then yes sometimes it does get lonely when you’re the only one eating in a canteen or walking around alone last valetine’s day in the mall or even keep remembering that stupid date that they got hooked up… (Flashback again on the cr scene tsk tsk)

So if you ask what’s half of my heart?? Mostly it’s blank… or like a wet newspaper been splashed in the rain…


PS: OK! i'm getting pissed of in editing my previous entry! waaaah and my comment box is above the posts plus my shoutbox is missing! hahahai i think i need to renew everything!

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Flashbacks

Ironically speaking, it’s been like a month since I posted some little tidbits of mine…

My last month of 2009 wasn’t that full of good memories, instead death of a love one took charge and nearly well, made me realize that time doesn’t take sides, weather good or bad, it ‘will’ take something or someone from you…

Sitting by the hospital without any good place to rest one’s head or even sit properly. Yep that hospital still gets on my nerves sometimes, even my cousins still blame the doctors or the staff of not attending my grandma properly, thus it became that her death bed was in the ICU room 10.

this is how we stay for the night

The scene sometimes plays in my head like an old family movie… I was there exactly the one who took charge during my turn to look after my grandma. It was like plain old same night, except that my grandma had her conscious level dropped to three, it was so fast… yesterday she was still moving and talking but the next day, she can barely move with all the tremors on all her extremities…

I had an eerie feeling when all the doctors and nurses hurried up to save my grandma’s life. Its like I’ve seen this scenario a lot of times but when you knew the person who needs saving, your instinct as a concern family member kicks in even if your already a registered nurse. No matter how you dry your eyes, still all the waterworks came rushing in….

her grave

She died at Dec 21, 2009 at 5:10am. She didn’t even make it to her 77th birthday last Jan 4. Time was really cruel at that time. It was the holidays, yes we first had our Christmas together but a big coffin was sitting in the living room.

burial day

All I could say is that, I knew my grandma as one of the sweetest lady I’ve ever met in my life. Not that because we’re related but that knowing someone like her, I can’t imagine the talks people had on her since when she’s in front of us, she is really really that generous kind of a person.


“Time is coming, let us be Brave”
- the weight of us, Sanders Bohlke

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no more Tears daw ... so dead wrong

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Yeah...
Yeah...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me, yeah...

the song above is so wonderful that it haunts me everytime i think of him... if you read the previous post,you know what i mean... for almost 4 freaking years i've been daydreaming whole my life that someone will somehow look at me as the way i look at him...

i did survive for 4 years of bearing that ill truth..i even think og myselfas a crzy bitch who wouldn'teven get the chance to say something to that guy well eventually it did but not in a kind way...

it was my fault actually for spitting it out so suddenly and wel made evrybody including him to be shock... i'm not that intresting when it comes to showing emotions since basicaly i'm not... the downside of it was that i was drunk saying it... like my head was poisoned with damn alcohol that i couldn't even control myself... controlling for the piles of emotions being stuck...

afetr that evyrthing changed eventually after that and well it somehow went to worst scenarios... he won't talk to me, even go near me.. he even walks away everytime i'm there... it did get on my nerves because of that but what the heck i reminded myslef agen that it was my fault for spitting something so private... or was it?

honestly, when no one is looking i can feel that his eyes are kinda sad... not that he is in a depressed sort of way but sadness because of being alone... you know whta i mean? when he sits there be his friends, kahit na all what they were saying were things that were fun but when it is all over, there eyes says it like that..maybe i'm mental or somthing but inoticed this twice already... i know he doesn't need rescuing but i really want to help him jud, that is why my multiply status is entitled 'wanna be there for you but how?'... but i guess someone did alreafdy helped him...

its been a week since i herd the news about them.. but nothing happened dramatically... i even said that maybe i did got my answer if what i felt was something stupid or not...

guess agen..

here i am typing this stupid entry so that to make me feel better.... for cyring out loud i'm even crying like the keybord is full of tissue papers... god i cant beleive it... i didn't see this one coming... who should i to blame? them? well i saw tham again thrice today... it made me irritated but the last time which i saw them well di ko nakaya so ran outside the room and went to the cr.. trying agen to fight back the tears as in nearly my eyes started to water literally... that one hit me big time...

as for the people, they are no help... i mean the drinking session only made it worst, my classmates keep on asking if how was i doing or calls me when the couple are around... myabe i'm just feed up! that now i'm so sad, my self-esteem like went down... hai!

and the song agen from above keeps playing on my head especially the part:

I've been watching your world from afar, I've been trying to be where you are, And I've been secretly falling apart,

and my least favorite coz these lines hit me the most now:

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first, Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes, And I know, the waiting is all you can do,

i feel so shitty na jud... hai my eyes are so puffy red,i'm sniffing my snot out coz that i'm really fuckin hurt as in deep... the ironic thing is that no one knows even for him that i'm like this today... i want him to be happy but i can't really hid myself that i'm like shitty... it is so nice to give him a big sign stating "man you are one hell of a blind guy"

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