Cry for No Reason

To be honest I am a cry baby

If you ask any of my high school classmates, they would say yes with a nod in the head. Years back I tend to have uncontrolled lacrimal glands that an unpleasant feelings get me to tears. Unpleasant like pressure from school and some fuck up kids who are a pain in the ass. I consider myself I was bullied but that word is too strong to use. More like I was usually being the center of getting pick on coz I didn't fight back on words before. Hence I call my high school days as dark. It had led me to some teachings that no matter how you ask nicely to people, they will only bug you more. I can even remember one time that I had to bite my lip really hard so the tears would stop, but it didn’t and bit my lip til I tasted blood. Anyways I blame my hormones for all those days and made me swear that no matter what happen, what scenario or whoever the person I wouldn't need to shed one single tear.

Feeling relief, college was kind to me. It was a new environment. Made friends who can really relate to. My memories of it were hilarious and crazy that crying was hardly a part of it. I did cry but only for an exam or pressure from school. Except for one thing that happen in third year, but again I consider it now something as a joke. Hence the crying phase was done…

too dramatic eh? LOL [image source]

Yet tonight, I’m bored and the only thing that my mind is telling me right now is to cry. For the past few days, I've been smiling and laughing my grin for quite some time that I guess my inner being said that it’s not funny anymore. Been going out with friends, doing some catching up with old buddies, decent talks with my mom, work is doing ok yet I don’t know where the tears would come from. Horemones? Stress? Nope it’s just that my brain is telling me something that I can’t even understand. I don’t understand why but crying somehow is the answer. I dreaded sometimes this kind of feeling of uncertainty. People ask me what to do but really my answer commonly would be up to the person. Uncertainty. Or maybe there’s a force telling me something that I can’t quite figure it out also.

I tried watching comedic films or brainstorming my brain for an answers yet nothing. So I end up crying while typing this. At least I have a record of something that I am so confused about to settle an argument to myself. It sucks really, it sucks not knowing why… I guess my lacrimal glands needs to burst out some of the excess water so it can refill itself hahaha or the crybaby inside of me just like to be released once in a while. Yet I would leave this a mystery.

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Spilling Myself

"Actions speak louder than Words"

Never quite believe this statement until recently.

I am a person that kinda has many blind spots to one self. I maybe a keen observant to others but I am zero when it comes to me. Zero specifically when it comes to people of the opposite sex. Many say that so many guys have given me some 'signals' but I just won't budge. I didn't quite get that at first until a demo was placed. The demo was base on a glass of water. I was this water nearly full in a glass. No matter what a guy threw at me or try to shake me off so he can get some of this water, nothing works. It's like I'm spill proof or something that you can't get the good stuff. It hit me when some weird scenarios flashed through my mind. Yes there were 'signals' but I was preoccupied of something else.

I need to be like this than being a spill proof [image source]

My face was ok to look at but my mind looked like this O_O

My good friend was the one who gave me this insight and yes it was a pretty clear one.

It gave some things about me, answers that I was dying to know before. Seriously I have no idea that there such a thing as body language that can tell which to which... Although there were a handful scenarios that flashed which I kinda find it regrettable or funny. Regrettable coz it involved some of them which were kinda ok... Funny coz I never thought that it was a signal hahaha and yes they could have get away with it.

It also hit me that my mind usually chooses who will get the good stuff. If I found out someone or something is 'weird' to me I usually step on a break for a checkpoint. Or that I am really really having no idea if he's sending me signals in what so ever. Thus, I am still single... I am quite contended though of the single life except for my mom. I have no idea why but she's somehow trying to present me to some of my flaws and gets back to reasons why I am still single. Pressure? No biggy my mind is set to the dream board I have. Lonely nights? Nah if you think of it on the other side those lonely nights will turn to fruitful events.

Eye opener then... But what I would like to have is to learn those body language. There are lots I mean lots of them. I just want to learn and apply them to myself; I mean come on knowing the stuff you’re like having the idea of what the guy is thinking. Reading someone's mind would be awesome!

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Sour Bloodline

I had this so called dilemma in my head when my first two cousins started to live with us in college. What I didn’t think about it was what a pain in the ass my world would be living with them. Never realize that the people you grow up together with would be totally different once you live with them.

So at first, I thought it would be so much fun I mean at least I could have another person to talk to when my brother isn’t around. Backfired. It went something like being constantly nagging on how everything was a mess. Three years had passed and still there are some major issues that I would really like to clarify with them especially the girl. At that time I didn’t have the guts to share it in this blog since causing trouble would add more fuel to the argument.

My cousins are both on the same grade in college, girl and boy but the boy is older. They go to the same university as I did so I was being a chaperon/cousin/roommate/guardian at that time. I was the eldest so I was given the responsibility of looking out the younger ones, as to my nature I really don’t like being strict and make some rules but there are some people who are really hard headed.

The first few months of the semester, it was okay. My junior college at that time was hell since I was loaded both physically and mentally in school. Home was like a sanctuary of sleep to me and wants it clean. Personally I am not a clean freak but of course I know the difference between a mess and a pile of mess. At first I didn’t mind the little trash or the smell but it was getting into my nerves. I would constantly see the unwashed dishes in the sink or the garbage bag wasn’t thrown out yet or the amounts of hair stuck on the bathroom floor. I reminded everybody about it yet the same results, even my brother started to complain about it. The only good thing I witnessed was that at least the boy cousin knows how to clean stuffs; the girl was kinda pain on the ass. I don’t know maybe she is that lazy or doesn’t know how to clean stuffs but for crying out loud, she’s a girl! She should be the one who is more conscious about her surroundings but instead her brother is the one usually doing it! Tsk

having extended family living with you has its ups and downs [image source]

And oh don’t get me started on the other stuff. Personally I don’t care if they get their first boyfriends or girlfriends but at least they should tell me not hide from it. Naturally you should be careful on to whom you trust in this world, especially if you are a girl. Let me ask you; is it ok for a girl to be alone in a taxi with your newly met male classmates? Unless if you know those guys quite well right? Another question; is it ok for a girl to be alone with a guy and be invited to go to a mountain view with the guy’s high school barkada? For crying out loud I mean why would be the girl go after a guy, have some dignity left! Plus when we tried calling on the guy’s cellphone, he wouldn’t answer just end it. Who wouldn’t be worried then? Those were some stuff that happened three years ago and just recently. Who wouldn’t be suspicious if almost all of my college classmates claimed that they saw my girl cousin with a guy eating alone on a food chain or that they were constantly spotted on a mall together or that they were so sweet together holding hands and stuff? When I asked her, she usually denies it. That’s the sour part, denying in front of me while others have evidences shesh! Then it gets to the point that she constantly comes home late in the evening on a school night. When I asked her brother her where abouts, he had no idea; I was getting pissed off since no freshmen can be that demanding on time to work on academics. Plus her brother comes home before her and they had the same schedule. It was really hard since my auntie keeps on checking on them every day and I had to make some excuses so that it won’t get to the point of panic. Really I was in a position that I really dislike, holding authority to someone’s freedom but her actions forced me to do it.

I have to admit I was also guilty on coming home late also during weekends usually I unwind myself due to stress in school. It’s sort of therapy every weekend since junior year in nursing is hell, maybe she saw me as an example but during school nights that’s a different story.

Things got way out of hand that finally the news reached the grownups. It was chaotic and I have no idea what was her defense though. But I am pretty sure she did some covering up on some parts of her story since it’s more like we (me, my bro and her bro) were to blame. I don’t get it but they prefer her story than her bro’s, the more truthful side. Yes it was unfair but I have no choice. I just shut up about it and ignored the situation so that nobody can get beaten up further.

When they moved out of the room and transferred to the other one, it was a relief for me. At least I don’t have to deal anymore on the mess and I don’t have to face with the same dilemmas over and over again. Presently, the mess I kept on mentioning is present on their room as we speak. Really it’s like a storm in there plus her brother usually is the one who cleans the room often, poor thing. I could still hear them having fights, even our landlady said so herself. I don’t know and I scarcely see her sometimes though in a week. Usually her excuses are duties and projects but there is something fishy on her story I mean you know exactly what to expect since I’ve been there! Hai it’s giving me a pain but like I said I just shut up about it and hope nothing major happened to her.

Now, their younger sister is entering college now together with my cousin who is my roommate as well. Ironically, my roommate cousin has somehow faces the same problems as I and my brother experienced with the elder sister. Like her elder sister, she chases after this guy which, according to my cousin, is ‘way pamatasan’ (no proper morality) or still doesn’t like to clean up with the mess. I don’t know how these people were raised but it’s kinda really annoying! Is this some kind of sickness that runs on these sisters? I mean look at their older siblings, they weren’t like that. They were more responsible and I really respect them a lot. My roommate cousin was the one who had a tight situation last summer because she was forced to spill on the grownups. It was like hell as she described it. Relationships broken plus her trust from her parents also was bitten. She had no choice, all she wanted was everybody’s safety but when it comes to a situation when you are labeled as the bad guy, you will do anything just to be innocent. Hai yes it was a pain again on the head. Now, my roommate cousin still said that nothing has changed after summer; the girl still chases the guy. She constantly reminds her that but her actions is still the same. I don’t know I mean that cousin of mine is really one bright student when it comes to academics but a loser when it comes to life.

The sad part is that their mother defends them more and gets mad when we say ill to her children. Naturally she’s a mother but if only she knows the whole truth about stuffs then maybe she will change her mind. All we want is everybody’s safety because really these kids are like immature flies waiting for some evil frog to swallow them whole. Don’t tell me they will only realize when something bad happen to them, then it’s not a problem of ours anymore.

Ignore ignore and ignore some more. Somehow it seems to work fine to us. Yet being worried because of their actions gives me some dilemmas as well. Like what my brother said, it’s their life they are old enough to make decisions. Yes they are old enough but we don’t want a relative to suffer due to regret.

They still have three girl siblings that have to enter college. I don’t know what these girls have I just wish they wouldn’t be like the others since it will be another pain on the head again.

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Compositions

I've been trying to search all my poems that i have published through the net. Its kinda scattered and i just wanted then filed enough...

It brings back some memories, both good and bad ones. It's like a relief for me too, dunno if I'm that good in making poems since I usually put it in words that are easily understood. Melodramatic then? nah just bored and my mind wanders a lot thus the title of this blog.

Frenemy

Like hammers that beat one tune
Haven’t seen such scary moon
Haziness what my eyes see
None compares your cruelty

You’re selfishness has succumb
Sanity barely hold womb
Like a child that is haughty
Fake smiles like from ebony

Bit of you my life to hate
Every time spend cannot take
Politeness what I’m accustom
Yet thoughts bring to your tomb

Actions failed deliver the truth
Still chained from the dying sooth
Dumb to understand my plee
Just one of your frenemy

This one was done yesterday, still confused on what to do with her... she's like impossible to deal with. Yes i tried to offer her opinions first but she has no direct intention to her actions on whatsoever. I always the one who end up with stupidity. She's still the same person on what my previous blogs that i complained about sheeesh! Plus she's so dependent with people around her and she's on her twentys already!

Tearful Rain

Can’t control of sluggish flow
Blaming gravity for the show
Yet coolness what I needed
For flushes that bleeded

Each drop is pain and relief
Wish to stop, early brief
No sheath nor shield can yield
Falling into empty field

Hands wet from rain and tears
Trying to master for years
Failure beckons until now
Simple solution to how

Curtains fall after drama
Going through all, I don’t wanna
Light has return not fully
Must return to my journey

I made this last year around june... those where the times when i was alone and have no idea on what to do with life. Maybe i was overwhelmed by the rain that day and it matched my mood so well. Yeah with the drama on board exams as well, I was a nervous wreck and had no idea if my life would be in the drains or up up there somewhere warm not wet.

Chances

You’re so far away to reach
Hands are short and numb
Calling your name but can’t reach
Insides feeling cold and dumb

Air is thin and I’m grasping
Searching your voice or face
Getting up but strength’s lacking
Keeping up with your pace

You wouldn’t turn to look at me
Not even a nod, stare or smile
Is there something I wrong to thee
Made me feel angry or even cry….

The chant we had has lost and missing
But I guess we’re done and through
Unlike before your eyes were twinkling
Warming and taking away my blues…

Feelings and still intact and true
Is moving on the right path?
Decided mind but heart confused
Asking for a second chance…

This was born due to my thoughts of having a lost lover. i guess i should write a story on something about that hahahahha no i'm not the star on that one rather another person that is opposite of me...but that would be another hard work *lazy* now that i mentioned the word lover, its kinda weird yet fun on pretending your thoughts to someone else. I guess this poem was a wish rather than calling.

Other compositions:

Afraid
A Must Have
Bitter Revenge
Phrases and Stanzas
Plain
Tempting Ice Cream
The Hermit
Your Somebody

I never thought I would have a handful already just so you know, this is due to boredom that I came out with these stuff.

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Almost

Ever wonder what will your fate would be If a situation was meant to happen? Or ‘almost’ happened but some external circumstances just happen to but in?

Thus, man invited the idea of parallel universe, hoping maybe that something or someone happened in front of you and that your present existence would be that bad or good…

yeah almost...
jayxxbe

Hmmm I guess you could say it as the “what ifs” of life without any regrets though rather relief’s… regrets are another thing but then these situations of mine are my ‘almost’ moments that made me realized what a disaster would that be if it went on…

True these situations are embarrassing but what the heck! Only 3 people I know who read this blog, so go ahead I’ll make some parts of my past see through…

1. Almost said yes to a wrong guy

This happened way back in junior high… I was naive then, more like a new bird being set free… I guess ‘puppy love’ was the term mostly used before… (Just relate to this post for further details about this guy) maybe because it was the first time somebody treated me like a princess or the most beautiful girl in the world… and that I was blinded by the thought of having my first love… you know what I mean about those stuff way back in your high school… just because he said something about your face, the way you dress, its like your in love… but then my mother said something about being practical in life… and she was the one who told me that just because your peers are doing it, you should do it too… true I was carried away by the idea of being in a relationship rather than how I truly feel…. What did I feel? It was more like a childish act like having a new toy, getting excited and all; since everything happened so fast and the guy was also the one who said that I was not a hassle girl after all… as time goes by, I was getting bored of it… and he was being a jackass for everything… like being a puppy everywhere I went, it made me nuts! He would be mad If I don’t reply asap, asking random and meaningless questions and saying that how he change because of me and all that crap. It was getting too much and its like having cuddies slowly. Really it was sick, I guess I’m really an opposite kinda of a girl since over doing praises spoils my mood.

So I ended it all, without saying a word and I have to admit I’m the bad guy in this scenario… oh yes he got mad at me but still I remained silent… even until now, I will just look at him, smile and stay away as possible…

2. Almost dated my teacher’s brother

This is a funny one, I was in senior high and that time chatting through MIRC was the trend. Friendster and Myspace were still hit on teens about online socializing… Ironically, we had a very very slow net connection at home because it was landline. So mostly on weekends or free days I went to net café’s and do just about everything there (i.e. blogging). One event, I was chatting through MIRC and went to our local channels since mostly my friends are there… I forget what screen name I used though. A lot of screen names then popped up, usually I entertain them, sometimes not, it depends on what I’m doing so that day I just went entertaining people… mostly people asked you details like location, sex and age, then next would be other details like if your still in school, single or other questions like that (you know what I mean) so this particular screen name said some outrageous stuff, I was hooked totally since we had some similarities like food, anime, music… he then gave me his email so that we could be friends in fs, I checked his profile, was ok since his pic was on anime… so I sent a friend request. Little do I know, that he was just in the same café in the same time like I was. I never mentioned that which café I was at, but then suddenly someone pulled my shirt and said oi! I was confused. He said he was ---- (I forgot his screen name), to my surprise I was shaking! Hahahha it was weird I mean he was the one sitting at my left side all along and I didn’t even notice it. He can’t be stalking me or anything since the monitors were in dividers. We shook hands but I said to him he looks familiar, he said her older sister is working as a teacher in my school waaaah which was kinda weird… still I was shaking, I made an excuse that my mom was waiting for me already, eeek! He asked for my num and I gave it to him! I was shocked on why on earth did I do that! Anyways, he was in college already and that we shared something common ‘daw’ (usually that’s what his texts all about) finally what I dreaded the most happened, what if we could hang out? Totally I’m a paranoid in these stuff but I usually pulled off some excuse, it worked but then again he would caught me during Fridays outside school, hai good thing his ate was there hahahha at least I won’t be alone with him… its not like his ugly or a meanie but then again I wasn’t ready for that part because of what happened during junior high hahahha and the only time we were alone was like 10 mins outside my school buying food… I guess he noticed that I was kinda scared of him… he backed off as time passed. Weird I never saw him again ^^

3. Almost went together to a complete stranger

This is what I would always say about alcohol! Its make your life miserable… it happened in college, we were having fun with my 3 friends at a local club. Alcohol was like an SOP on those cases, usually I ended up having too much and usually the effects are releasing your inner wildness inside. I wasn’t like super wild, more like just enough to kick in the effect of the alcohol… usually I don’t dance, but when I’m in a drinking spree, my feet are uncontrollable! Its like they are program to move every rnb song there is… hahahaha

I was jumping up and down when suddenly someone jumped out and down together with me… usually I don’t entertain strangers, but since I was having so much fun in my life I let it all behind… next thing I could remember was that he was there right in front of me smiling his ass off… I suddenly stop and sat down since I was sweating already… my other friend was dancing while the other one was with me… she needed to smoke so I joined with her. That smiling ass was following with us all the long and that he thanked me for having a blast. (grabbing my hand which was weird) He then invited us if we would like to dine with them, I wasn’t in a mood since he’s a stranger… that smiling ass introduced himself and I’m pretty sure it was a lie… (hating grabbing my hand I just grabbed it back) good thing my friend rejected it too but he kept on begging… I said no… he then asked if we needed a ride, I said no my friend has a car (we went there through taxi). Even though I was a lil drunk, I was pissed by someone who keeps on begging we don’t even know the guy for crying out loud… finally someone I know came hahahha and that we need to go back inside… at least he just smiled there and went to his car… we said goodbyes and until this very day I still wish I would never see his face again!


I think I should stop here; there are other sets of almost moments maybe next time if I can remember posting them ^^

All I could say that, I’m happy on what I’m doing right now! Those were not regrettable scenarios, both scary and hilarious moments of my life…’til next segment on this.

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