Sober

Not drunk just sober and letting some feelings out for relief

You know how matter I try to look on some happy moments over a table with drinks with friends I still tend to be lonely. Lonely on some points that no matter what I do there will be no one there at home or a person which I can retell all the stories I did for the day; a person that will be willing to be with me no matter how I look or say during drunken moments. I guess alcohol sometimes makes you sad or emoish sort of way. It’s nice to have friends laughing over but there is always a time when all you need is a person that understands for you. Who is there existing and listens, no matter how bad or good you will sound after all that shittiness of the world.

sober makes you think harder sometimes
[image source]

So I guess the ‘Need You’ song by Lady Anteballum sorts of inserts here. That’s the reason why I don’t like the song since it only reminds me of that really there is somewhere in my mind that finds the YOU. The problem is where the hell is he? Finding the YOU part is so draining that I can’t stand it sometimes. Alone.

Hence my brain will answer again to the scenes with the gray man. It all started there, those fucking drinking moments that I just laughed about it these days. Too embarrassing to relay yet there where some things that I did miss. I miss the feeling I guess but there is nothing left anyway. I forced myself not to go back since it really hurt like hell, who would like to be hurt like that again? Correction I miss the feeling of the idea of having someone. That I can accept the fact that why I keep on returning on him even though on reality there are no chances of it to happen. Now I consider him not a friend or an enemy but someone that made a big impact without doing anything, no fuckin idea that somehow ruined my mind! Or maybe that I just wish there or is actually someone there. Why him? That I can’t still answer that fuckin question.

Insert ‘Gravity’ by Sara Bareilles now I’m literally on the water works again typing this. I guess being sober makes you sad again…

Really I want to be out of this mess but the loneliness has come to a point that it’s chocking. Patience is ready to left and I’m running out of excuses to tell myself. I just fear that my sanity can’t hold it any longer. I fear the actions I will do after that will cause further damage. I fear a lot like the unknown.

Distractions are being clichés to me these days. It’s not working either. What’s left I guess is to take action but dunno where…

I let fate decide na lang coz crying and thinking make my head hurts.

Insert song ‘Broken’ by Lifehouse

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Almost (v2)

Life is fragile but man tends to do crazy stuff. Yes it could be we can’t avoid of that so called fate or that the angel of death is bored and decided to random pick the person to escort with. Accidents, either good or bad still a life being turned off is not a good joke. Some are quite dumb of ending it literally.

[image source]

For being a two decade old, I have my short shares of almost trips of accidents. They are not that life threatening but as I looked back and realized that its good to breathe some unclean oxygen in this phase of the earth. Maybe in another parallel universe, I’m incomplete. Oh God I hope nothing like that would happen…


1. Almost had a contusion or a concussion

It was summer in entering sixth grade elementary. Remember those days when we would have reviews for the NSAT or something close to that one before entering high school. It’s an exam which will determine if we are fated to enroll to the secondary level. My school was and always wanted to be competitive with others and decided to have us the three sections entering sixth grade be their contestants. Lunch time and my father always picked us up to head home. Quite an ordinary day actually with my father being late to fetch me, I being so hungry waiting and being late again for the class. About 50 meters away from my house, there’s a cross section and we were to turn right. My dad is a precautions driver and always stops before turning but this blue van zoomed out from where we suppose to turn. it hit us hard on the right side, just inches away from where I sat. I can still remember it clearly with my head hitting the window door so hard that it broke with cracks to it. I was positive that my head would bleed but good it wasn’t. I was still in shock and my father was furious! Ordered to go back home, I called my mother and she was saying her motherly self but I was ok, in shock but ok. The only thing I was thinking was to get to class, that all mattered to me. I have no idea why but getting to class was my priority. I made it without being late but the incident was till fresh. I just sat there silently, no head aches nor blood found. Minutes later my mother arrived with her uniform. She deliberately came to school to check if I was ok and that why on earth I attended the review. I just smiled and replied I was ok, but she didn’t buy it and forced me to skip the review.


2. Almost didn’t made it to a boat trip

Sunday night and I was in southern Leyte, home place to my mother. I was there because it was the town’s fiesta. First year college was less hassle for some students. I wasn’t lucky since my university keeps on torturing their students. Going back, we were running late. The pier was like a 45 minute ride from our place and the driver was missing. It’s a fiesta so he was having the time of his life. In other terms, he was drunk. My older companion was fidgeting since she has duty tomorrow. Kinda important for her that time. As for me, I was just chillin, really I wasn’t in the mood to be back on summer school. Minutes passed and finally we found someone to drive us to the pier. Boat was scheduled to leave at 10 PM and we left the place like 15 minutes after 9. Quite long and dark, the whole trip bored me. I was sleeping like 20 minutes on the whole trip. We arrived but the problem was the luggage. I don’t know but it was quite a lot and only three of us females there. Took us a while to solve that, ended up that the boat was on early schedule of departure. Meaning that we have to toss our luggage safely onto the ship and jump our asses unto the ship’s front. It’s more like playing. So we jumped like sheeps over the fences and get our feet to stop fidgeting. Fun times though and we were not the only ones too who jumped over.


3. Almost got hit by a taxi

I can’t count exactly how many times I experienced this. But there were instances that my feet almost got squashed by the taxi tires due to a crowd that pushed me on the street, or that stupid driver who made a left turn on a red light when I was crossing or that other idiot driver who speed his way to this narrow pathway and luckily I was quick to my feet to dodge it. Somebody should teach these drivers some lessons. Event though they have increased the penalty charges, some drivers are still assholes on those streets.


So I guess you called say these are some what the fuck moments I had that I actually remembered. Good thing I am still here to share these experiences of mine :D

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Sour Bloodline

I had this so called dilemma in my head when my first two cousins started to live with us in college. What I didn’t think about it was what a pain in the ass my world would be living with them. Never realize that the people you grow up together with would be totally different once you live with them.

So at first, I thought it would be so much fun I mean at least I could have another person to talk to when my brother isn’t around. Backfired. It went something like being constantly nagging on how everything was a mess. Three years had passed and still there are some major issues that I would really like to clarify with them especially the girl. At that time I didn’t have the guts to share it in this blog since causing trouble would add more fuel to the argument.

My cousins are both on the same grade in college, girl and boy but the boy is older. They go to the same university as I did so I was being a chaperon/cousin/roommate/guardian at that time. I was the eldest so I was given the responsibility of looking out the younger ones, as to my nature I really don’t like being strict and make some rules but there are some people who are really hard headed.

The first few months of the semester, it was okay. My junior college at that time was hell since I was loaded both physically and mentally in school. Home was like a sanctuary of sleep to me and wants it clean. Personally I am not a clean freak but of course I know the difference between a mess and a pile of mess. At first I didn’t mind the little trash or the smell but it was getting into my nerves. I would constantly see the unwashed dishes in the sink or the garbage bag wasn’t thrown out yet or the amounts of hair stuck on the bathroom floor. I reminded everybody about it yet the same results, even my brother started to complain about it. The only good thing I witnessed was that at least the boy cousin knows how to clean stuffs; the girl was kinda pain on the ass. I don’t know maybe she is that lazy or doesn’t know how to clean stuffs but for crying out loud, she’s a girl! She should be the one who is more conscious about her surroundings but instead her brother is the one usually doing it! Tsk

having extended family living with you has its ups and downs [image source]

And oh don’t get me started on the other stuff. Personally I don’t care if they get their first boyfriends or girlfriends but at least they should tell me not hide from it. Naturally you should be careful on to whom you trust in this world, especially if you are a girl. Let me ask you; is it ok for a girl to be alone in a taxi with your newly met male classmates? Unless if you know those guys quite well right? Another question; is it ok for a girl to be alone with a guy and be invited to go to a mountain view with the guy’s high school barkada? For crying out loud I mean why would be the girl go after a guy, have some dignity left! Plus when we tried calling on the guy’s cellphone, he wouldn’t answer just end it. Who wouldn’t be worried then? Those were some stuff that happened three years ago and just recently. Who wouldn’t be suspicious if almost all of my college classmates claimed that they saw my girl cousin with a guy eating alone on a food chain or that they were constantly spotted on a mall together or that they were so sweet together holding hands and stuff? When I asked her, she usually denies it. That’s the sour part, denying in front of me while others have evidences shesh! Then it gets to the point that she constantly comes home late in the evening on a school night. When I asked her brother her where abouts, he had no idea; I was getting pissed off since no freshmen can be that demanding on time to work on academics. Plus her brother comes home before her and they had the same schedule. It was really hard since my auntie keeps on checking on them every day and I had to make some excuses so that it won’t get to the point of panic. Really I was in a position that I really dislike, holding authority to someone’s freedom but her actions forced me to do it.

I have to admit I was also guilty on coming home late also during weekends usually I unwind myself due to stress in school. It’s sort of therapy every weekend since junior year in nursing is hell, maybe she saw me as an example but during school nights that’s a different story.

Things got way out of hand that finally the news reached the grownups. It was chaotic and I have no idea what was her defense though. But I am pretty sure she did some covering up on some parts of her story since it’s more like we (me, my bro and her bro) were to blame. I don’t get it but they prefer her story than her bro’s, the more truthful side. Yes it was unfair but I have no choice. I just shut up about it and ignored the situation so that nobody can get beaten up further.

When they moved out of the room and transferred to the other one, it was a relief for me. At least I don’t have to deal anymore on the mess and I don’t have to face with the same dilemmas over and over again. Presently, the mess I kept on mentioning is present on their room as we speak. Really it’s like a storm in there plus her brother usually is the one who cleans the room often, poor thing. I could still hear them having fights, even our landlady said so herself. I don’t know and I scarcely see her sometimes though in a week. Usually her excuses are duties and projects but there is something fishy on her story I mean you know exactly what to expect since I’ve been there! Hai it’s giving me a pain but like I said I just shut up about it and hope nothing major happened to her.

Now, their younger sister is entering college now together with my cousin who is my roommate as well. Ironically, my roommate cousin has somehow faces the same problems as I and my brother experienced with the elder sister. Like her elder sister, she chases after this guy which, according to my cousin, is ‘way pamatasan’ (no proper morality) or still doesn’t like to clean up with the mess. I don’t know how these people were raised but it’s kinda really annoying! Is this some kind of sickness that runs on these sisters? I mean look at their older siblings, they weren’t like that. They were more responsible and I really respect them a lot. My roommate cousin was the one who had a tight situation last summer because she was forced to spill on the grownups. It was like hell as she described it. Relationships broken plus her trust from her parents also was bitten. She had no choice, all she wanted was everybody’s safety but when it comes to a situation when you are labeled as the bad guy, you will do anything just to be innocent. Hai yes it was a pain again on the head. Now, my roommate cousin still said that nothing has changed after summer; the girl still chases the guy. She constantly reminds her that but her actions is still the same. I don’t know I mean that cousin of mine is really one bright student when it comes to academics but a loser when it comes to life.

The sad part is that their mother defends them more and gets mad when we say ill to her children. Naturally she’s a mother but if only she knows the whole truth about stuffs then maybe she will change her mind. All we want is everybody’s safety because really these kids are like immature flies waiting for some evil frog to swallow them whole. Don’t tell me they will only realize when something bad happen to them, then it’s not a problem of ours anymore.

Ignore ignore and ignore some more. Somehow it seems to work fine to us. Yet being worried because of their actions gives me some dilemmas as well. Like what my brother said, it’s their life they are old enough to make decisions. Yes they are old enough but we don’t want a relative to suffer due to regret.

They still have three girl siblings that have to enter college. I don’t know what these girls have I just wish they wouldn’t be like the others since it will be another pain on the head again.

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Compositions

I've been trying to search all my poems that i have published through the net. Its kinda scattered and i just wanted then filed enough...

It brings back some memories, both good and bad ones. It's like a relief for me too, dunno if I'm that good in making poems since I usually put it in words that are easily understood. Melodramatic then? nah just bored and my mind wanders a lot thus the title of this blog.

Frenemy

Like hammers that beat one tune
Haven’t seen such scary moon
Haziness what my eyes see
None compares your cruelty

You’re selfishness has succumb
Sanity barely hold womb
Like a child that is haughty
Fake smiles like from ebony

Bit of you my life to hate
Every time spend cannot take
Politeness what I’m accustom
Yet thoughts bring to your tomb

Actions failed deliver the truth
Still chained from the dying sooth
Dumb to understand my plee
Just one of your frenemy

This one was done yesterday, still confused on what to do with her... she's like impossible to deal with. Yes i tried to offer her opinions first but she has no direct intention to her actions on whatsoever. I always the one who end up with stupidity. She's still the same person on what my previous blogs that i complained about sheeesh! Plus she's so dependent with people around her and she's on her twentys already!

Tearful Rain

Can’t control of sluggish flow
Blaming gravity for the show
Yet coolness what I needed
For flushes that bleeded

Each drop is pain and relief
Wish to stop, early brief
No sheath nor shield can yield
Falling into empty field

Hands wet from rain and tears
Trying to master for years
Failure beckons until now
Simple solution to how

Curtains fall after drama
Going through all, I don’t wanna
Light has return not fully
Must return to my journey

I made this last year around june... those where the times when i was alone and have no idea on what to do with life. Maybe i was overwhelmed by the rain that day and it matched my mood so well. Yeah with the drama on board exams as well, I was a nervous wreck and had no idea if my life would be in the drains or up up there somewhere warm not wet.

Chances

You’re so far away to reach
Hands are short and numb
Calling your name but can’t reach
Insides feeling cold and dumb

Air is thin and I’m grasping
Searching your voice or face
Getting up but strength’s lacking
Keeping up with your pace

You wouldn’t turn to look at me
Not even a nod, stare or smile
Is there something I wrong to thee
Made me feel angry or even cry….

The chant we had has lost and missing
But I guess we’re done and through
Unlike before your eyes were twinkling
Warming and taking away my blues…

Feelings and still intact and true
Is moving on the right path?
Decided mind but heart confused
Asking for a second chance…

This was born due to my thoughts of having a lost lover. i guess i should write a story on something about that hahahahha no i'm not the star on that one rather another person that is opposite of me...but that would be another hard work *lazy* now that i mentioned the word lover, its kinda weird yet fun on pretending your thoughts to someone else. I guess this poem was a wish rather than calling.

Other compositions:

Afraid
A Must Have
Bitter Revenge
Phrases and Stanzas
Plain
Tempting Ice Cream
The Hermit
Your Somebody

I never thought I would have a handful already just so you know, this is due to boredom that I came out with these stuff.

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Being a Douche Bag

Last Friday would be the deadliest er rather the craziest penalty my life had ever done! I know my id won again and my conscience kept on kicking my brain on returning to the safe side. Once again I defy the law my mother gave me. I mean I was carried out by the situation so much that I didn’t think it as dangerous. All I could here was that my mother’s voice on the other line stating I abused my body way too much…which was true and I hated it!

don't trust my smile, the morning after i lied tsk tsk

I was scheduled to have a tooth extraction on Friday, same as my friend’s bday. Yes I did my best to keep that date clean but still due to my procrastinating ways, the dentist set it on the same date. At first I hesitated on not telling my mother, but I told her later that day. She went mad like mad mad. Her words were blowing off my ear on the other line. I was there at a friend’s house, my stuff was packed and I had like fifteen minutes before the time we were supposed to be waiting. Feeling pathetic, I couldn’t reply to what my mother was blabbing about, and finally said a lie to her that I was heading home. I ended up having to endure both pain and guilt all the way to Balamban. Yes I diverted my attention to the surroundings but my mom’s voice kept echoing through my head. I know I was really wrong and I know was acting stupid but then I had fun… I still managed to put a genuine smile to people even if my tooth was aching… I even dragged my brother to my pretentious intention just to get there (this part was not easy, my brother is a snake literally!). Its like instinct that I have to go… and I’ll have to deal with regrets later. Luckily now, nothing serious happened to my tooth yet except that the swelling and the eating part are kinda annoying.

I fed myself to selfishness that day but it was my decision, no one forced me or advised me to do it; even another friend said that. Thanks to her I wasn’t being a sleezeball or acting cranky during the moments of food, food and more food! Hahahha I know I’m a sinner for gluttony… and to think my brother said that I had very weird reasons for myself to be there (and I have to keep it to myself too). Literally my hands are shaking again when I do this kind of stuff. Yup ironic that I tried so hard to follow my mom’s advises but I noticed almost all of them I have the urge to defy them. Not on revenge though, maybe I’m scared that I would end up like her! See the pattern to what her profession is.

with carmi (my tooth nurse) and lara (the bday girl)

Enough with the conscience talking, all I could really say is thank you very much! I had fun, another page to my memory book, another experience to the situation both good and bad plus the free food I got. Weird I never saw a bibingka that looks like pancakes and very tasty too. My cousin complained on why I only bought three pieces, as if I have the idea they would love it.

at the beach on the last day ( bige aka hungry kitchen, lara aka bday girl / food supplier, carmi aka tooth nurse!)

Blessing in disguise then? No not that… I’m still on the healing process of my left molar. Only one more request, if you ever know my mother personally, please don’t tell her about this. I will be killed for sure!

PS: Big thanks to hungry kitchen for the photos! hahahha ^___^

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Money Talks

Technically, money isn’t important right? Right? This statement has been circling around my head for 3 days now. Seems like the twisted of unluckiness has visited me. Left me broke and well thinking of ways for survival due to my cravings. It’s basically my fault since I miscalculated some spenditures, left me hanging until Monday.

shiny coins not in my wallet

My biggest problem is still money. I don’t get it. Well I don’t have any job… yet but I keep on losing my way back into spending everything to what heart’s desire. It’s my 5th year living in a place where I studied. I stayed in a shared room with my brother and allowances are my soul surviving skill to this place. Without it, I’m dead.

My brain keeps on yelling why do we have to bargain something to get what we want?? Yes its bad to steal and this world would be chaotic if no rules were applied. The problem is that how come money goes away easily. Simple, its all man’s idea of luxury. I do have my own luxurious dreams in life. Even if *coughs* my parents are not into those things, their daughter is.

My parents are included in those dreams though; like sending them to a cruise trip to their anniversaries or bringing my dad to his favorite tennis championship games or giving my mom her favorite pair of jimmy choo sandals. My brother can afford his own dream luxury since he’s a very very thrifty person! I wish I would be one but hence thanks to my father, I kinda inherit my spending skills from him! I just wish I could repay them the fee they gave me just for education. Education is the only thing they ever supported so much. By saying that I will always have my father playing in my head saying those exact words. I guess I am trained to be like this. And yeah I do get second thoughts on asking from them or cheating from them… my evil self always stayed quite when it comes to these money talks. (I’m also a goody cookie you know!)

luxury living! ok i am being materialistic haha

What if I could get a job now? On what? I don’t like to be in a call center (proud ego) or work as a private nurse on night shifts (a friend invited me). Seriously I lack skills on my nursing area. Its been like almost a year and never did I step to a hospital or clinic. As for the pay, didn’t ask I rather keep my license protected instead of risking it! That reminds me, I have a poofy face on my license, waaah it’s like I had facial edema! (sorry I won’t show it to you *sticks tongue out*)

Back to the money business agenda, hmm my survival mode is on today since last week I was spending my ass of mainly on food! Hahai reminds me of the debts I own. I don’t want to give any details about it, all I know is that I must must find a way in repaying them! I know my dignity has somehow being like stab again but still I will pay them! T_T

Wishful thinking…

The only part I want to be in a reality is that I’ll stop complaining and get my ass off the chair. There are no shortcuts to life, or fast forwards either.

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String of Chaos

Remember this date, 29^th of September year 2009. Its like I’m stuck on a paralyze world of unluckiness! We all go through everyday weirdness right and ironically I got a horoscope saying that I have to expect the weirdest day ever, well surely that was date!

No net connection seemed to me like torture since the computer is the only piece of entertainment in my apartment. Well I have a phone and a radio but I’m not a fan of those pieces… hmmmm exactly 2 weeks with no net connection. Almost all offline games were done and I’m running out of anything to keep me company. That’s where the post of going through Internet cafés came and it’s a pain in the bum! Seriously the lousiness of the computers and kept on freezing right in front of me! Even just to access facebook, the stupid device won’t let me hahhaai… to think there were only five people using the computers around 9am.

Ok I admit I was little bit jealous of my brother owning a new phone… and blame me it was a really good phone, sony ericson. Somehow to compete with my so-called nokia 5200, I bought this memory card since my phone was like 3 years without any extension to its memory. My stupid phone kept on hanging when I insert my memory card and started to hang every time I charge my batteries! I felt hopeless and desperate to use my memory card, at least my phone could be useful for once. I took it the repair shop and asked if they could reformat the whole internal memory, but (there’s always a but!) they have to check first if reformatting would be necessary which cost me 200.00php. Oh yeah plus a waiver was being signed in case my phone goes nuts; they are not to blame for it! (and all I want was to reformat sheesh!) I’m really an amateur when it comes to these repairing stuff, so a text came from the repairs indicating that new parts are needed plus labor with a bill of 678.00php waaaah meaning my personal debts is increasing once again! now I’m stuck with my cousin’s phone which is worst since the flex cable is busted! Not only that I can’t see the screen, it has weird sounds that are so gay (its pink and looks like a toy!) Waaaah, at least I could be in touch through calls.

Financially, I’m broke and my mother kept on yapping about the details why my allowance went to the drainage. First she insisted on claiming the passport to someone she know of working on the department so that filing would be faster, which is why I don’t like it since I’m not for once going back to that place filled with people, weird stares and funky smells (except for claiming the passport). And that’s were the rage came in, she kept on talking and talking; blaming me for the drainage allowance, fixing my phone which was still ok (ok for her!), going through gym that is not part of the expenses and doing nothing about the nclex. I know my mother talks a lot but when she raised those issues against me, I was mad, really pissed off and started to cry. And to think I asked for only 678.00php for the phone, and the gym expenses was my savings and allowance (plus the debts from people). Plus I also read those books she gave me for the nclex review and always going through that good for nothing university for the requirements needed, argh! That made me totally shake and now here I am letting my mind set off and go! (including throwing the pink phone unto the mattress with ants!)

To get my day worst, my bed was swarming of red ants! No one was eating on my bed, but those filthy red ants were everywhere! I decided to sleep on the floor and hang my mattress on the roof. Amazed, I carried the mattress all the way to the third floor by myself. Water was scarce suddenly and the pipes were dry, I dunno what other crazy stuff would happen next! I guess that’s what happens to pissed off people, instant strength and more bad luck!

Since I have no net, I’m actually typing through Microsoft word and listening to music (not the pussy ones) that kick ass (double pedals you know!) so if you made this part of my post, congratulations and thank you for somehow wasting your time on me… hahahaha at least I’m feeling better with paramore and static x at the background!

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