Stopping the Party

After all these years, I’m still doing the stuff I had been since college. The difference is that the people are random. I don’t get it. I keep coming back on it when my brain tells me to stop. Is this some kind of addiction that every time I end up meeting new people I end up doing the same?
 

I have to admit that way back I was kinda curious about this kinda lifestyle. Doing parties on weekends, getaways or roadtrips and pigging out sessions with people. Now that I have a taste of it, it’s kinda dull. I guess because I keep doing it with different people that makes me going. It’s tiring, redundant and abusive to my sanity. Tried drinking or binge drinking, smoking whether its cigarettes or weed, and sleepless nights or hangovers on work. I don’t do drugs or any kinky stuff whatsoever that I keep my dignity intact. You know the feeling of being high? Not the drug addiction part, but the kind of you want to be lost in the music on the background, swaying your hair to the sweat and just laugh your problems away. Reaching your hands up in the air, banging you neck to the beat and doing whatever you wanna do. Party animal? Nah! I call it freedom. It’s the same feeling I have when I jumped through cliffs or pursed up from the water. The only thing that bothers me about it is that I feel that I am alone with this. I am kinda afraid if I force people to do the same, I’m abusing them. I live a life of more instinctual. Due to fact that I am enjoying it so much, I can’t distinguish if I am abusive. I tend to have this philosophy that you live once so grab it, but it’s getting way out of hand.

I go insane like this guy hahahaha

When all of those are over, sometimes I just take a pause, listen to what my heart is saying. But usually it says nothing, just silence. Sometimes I end up in tears. I still can’t figure out where the tears come from, my conclusions so far are that stress from all of the madness or that I am alone with it. I did share these concerns with friends, mostly of them said that I need to take a break from it like sleeping or having a new habit. The only reply I got that made me smile was that no matter how bad I may think of it I can still go back to the innocent me. The raw me when all I cared before were catching up with school and anime; that I know how to go out and get in safely.
 

Yikes! The madness did change me to some good and bad sides. I did make a lot of friends and talk more. Tend to have invites more often unlike before which I have to be mostly alone. I can still remember the days when I was at home waiting for something exciting to happen like an alien invasion. I am abusing my health though due to all of that.

The intervention I did was to take a haitus from it for a month, which I’m trying now. I’m on my third week but I did partied last Saturday due to some ‘heart-breaking’ issues by colleagues. So far I am happy with haitus. My fitness crazy is what my mind is busy from. I just like to have my excess belly to disappear! Hahahahaha kinda nice actually since I’m exposed to fewer toxins and yes I am that desperate. Why? Boredom. The only thing that usually drives me crazy on day offs. Why a month? Well next month is kinda big for me, last days of summer! Plus my sun and sand days are counted so better hit it up. Trying to taper it down, getting my energy back.

 whoever doesn't want to join this kind of crowd?

Obviously if you manage to read it here, stopping the party in me would be kinda miles away. It’s not the eternal happiness that I was looking for…  It’s the people who are the culprits of it. Definitely not hating them, it’s me who thinks that way.

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Sincerely, Your Past

Since I like to read my previous posts, I came to have this idea about writing myself a letter 10 years from now. Go ahead and be a witness to my shame hahahahahaha. Plus it would be a great present for me also in the future. 

 somehow sees the future as very colorful [image source]

Dear 33 year old me,

If you are reading this now and on your 30’s, I congratulate you for still keeping this blog alive! I don’t know what’s your status in life is but I’m pretty sure you’re not regretting any of it.
 

First of all, how’s life on the 30’s? If you’re married and have kids, well congrats! Never pictured out that yet in my mind and dunno what kind of mother I would be. As for the kids, I know I hate them now but when they are my creations I think I’ll have second thoughts about that. As for your husband, well he’s a lucky bastard to have you. He must be someone who knows respects and trusts you so well. If neither of the things mentioned above happened, then single isn’t bad… Think of it as an excuse to indulge your time on some glorious things like travel, eat and be merry. Just don’t be getting too caught on close friends being married… your time will come soon. Marriage is a serious step which you can’t easily erase.
 

As for your family, I hope you have a healthy relationship to all three of them. Remember to be good with the parents and that you already repay them somehow. They may have pissed you off loads of time but the work they put unto the education you have is priceless. They have raised you well and my 23 year old self can tell you that. Plus I hope the lessons we learned from them were helpful on the way. As for your only sibling, he’s annoying and a pain in the ass but he’s a good boy. He’s nicer than you. You should thank him that he has saved you in crises during college days. You should treat him somehow with something he likes or just say something nice to him. Since he shows more feelings than you hahahaha (not gay)
 

Are you still in contact with the close friends of college and high school? I should expect no matter the distance. How are Lara and Carmi? i guess both are married and merrier on their lives with kids, living their dreams and gorgeous hubbys.
 

As for your career, I just hope you are on the place which suits you. I mean if you can still remember that you were still struggling in the hospital doing endless perineal washes to patients and sometimes be depressed about it. Yet it was a pain emotionally that you felt there was something wrong or maybe you just needed to adjust on matters. Still I support you from where angle you are now.
 

As for the rest of the other aspects, just stay grounded. Never forget the simplicity of being you. I dunno if I gained o lost any weight but hey I’ll still accept it dba? I will be really waiting for a reply though for this letter and don’t you ever forget it…
                                

Sincerely,
   Chez the 23 version

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Safety Net

So people are into relationships these days, either its straight or gay. I guess I’m on the stage were everywhere you hear people hooking up with whom and etc. I have to admit that it’s getting annoying since I’m alone on that status yet I’m contented of the status I stand. But there these two friends who keep on clinging to each other.

I know I should be supportive of him but no matter what I try to wake the hell up, he will again use some kind of excuse or reasons that someday or somehow they will end up being together. As for the other party, she has gone gay. Gay of trying hooking up with the same sex. It’s a really bad coping mechanism actually from a past relationship that has brought her to change perspectives. It’s really annoying considering she wants it hidden but the actions are so fuck up lame. I mean you can clearly see the evidence and just trying too hard to impress on someone. I don’t know it’s just that this person is so smart on other aspects but chose the path of stupidity.

it's kinda suck being on a relationship which you are just an option [image source]

So I have been a witness of this relationship for years now. The guy is so helplessly hoping for things to work out, I mean he even considers some small body language as of a bigger deal. Hello of course you would make it a big deal since your so into her. As for the girl, she knows that the guy has a serious crush on her but then she just keeps it on the friend status. No idea on the detailed parts but even after college the guy is still clinging on somehow. But the girl has other plans. As she stated that they are just friends.

On my angle or anyone’s angle, you would see that the girl has somehow created a relationship to the guy that somehow no matter what she would do or have, this guy would be around and picks her up no matter what. Like being in a safety net. I don’t know if the guy sees this but I guess he does. I mean for crying out loud he only sees her when hanging out with the gang. His ears are so glued to the girl and that it’s kinda insulting to us. Insulting to that fact that even if we ask a decent conversation, he would stop just too get the girl’s attention. He says so many things that he doesn’t care or anything about her but his actions proves that he already ate his words. I also have this theory that he keeps on bugging out for hangs out so at least he has an excuse to be again with the girl. I don’t know it’s just that I don’t want to be the babysitter again. Yes I experienced being the third tag along and it sucked a lot.

The ironies of being on a safety net. As I look closer on some future possibilities, there is a great deal on that the guy will get the girl. I don’t know but still it’s a pity being on a safety net; being last or just an option. All I can say is good luck to both of them. It’s just that I know there a lots people out there being on a safety net kind of relationship, I say just stop and find another one than clinging on to someone. It’s better to leave and be single than hoping for someone that no matter how you put your acts on him/her, nothing will ever happen rather than friendship. It’s true that being on a friend zone is different on being the lover.

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Future Generation

It’s correct that I am no longer in my teen years. When I was young then, I constantly remind myself that I shouldn’t be a nagger adult. I shouldn’t be an old lady who yells to little children and scolds them. I have this nightmare to turn into an old witch… an ugly old witch with no friends and stuff like that.

Time proved me wrong coz even if I’m not old, I’m complaining already to some stuff these youngsters are doing. Of course not all are like that but mostly are like a pain on the asses. I have no idea why but it seems the future of this generation has somehow going to be in need help.

the generation gap [image source]

So this country is a sticker to its traditions and stuff. Mostly Southeast Asian countries are like that, since we owe it to our ancestors to what we are now. The only thing is that the value of respect and trust are somewhat being abused by these youngsters nowadays. I am a person who likes to respect people and be respected also. It has come to a time where anyone can yell to each other, isn’t that kinda sad? The moralities have disappeared and maybe this can lead to small misunderstandings to great wars. You can’t completely trust anyone these days. Even if that being is your so called best friend or lover, somehow that person has some dark issues you don’t like to see. What led to this? Gossip and lies. White lies that eventually got way out of hand and you can’t seem to put away.

As for some concerns, overweight has become the problem to school age kids. I guess due to technology and net, kids prefer to play indoors with their own gameboy, xbox, playstations or pc for entertainment. What happen to those running around streets playing with hoops or skipping to patentero or other stuff like that? Time sure did change so fast. Yet the being a 90’s child has its ups and downs.

I think some 90’s child has to be blame. I mean mostly new couples are from that era. I guess it’s up to people from different ages on how to race children nowadays. Yes I’m complaining but I can’t guarantee when I become a parent, I can’t promise for my children to avoid such things. People influence by other people. Yet one thing I’m certain that I will teach them are the values that I treasure like what my father did to me and my brother; we had our conscience as guidance when we make decisions.

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When Singles Talk

It was like a scene from a movie, three friends in a car on a Monday night. Two girls and a gay guy shared some interests on what’s going on with their lives. I was one of the three having those conversations. It was on random stuff from careers to personal choices, yet it lead to this sort of topic which I find it funny.

more or less the night was like this, should have snap a shot for a remembrance hehehe [image source]

The other girl opened up about being single. I have totally stated this issue for like a hundredth time in my blog. What I find it funny was that I usually don’t get tied up in conversations like this. From hook ups to heart breaks or from marriages to unwanted pregnancies, my 22 years of existence taught me a lot of things. But honestly what l lack on is experience on the dealing of intimate relationships. I have to admit I sure do write about being on the negative sides of being in a relationship, hence I have low idea on what’s it’s like on the positive state of being in a relationship. Lots of couples made it clear the awesomeness of being in love and all that crap can bring yet what I find it convincing to be in such a relationship would be the companion of the opposite sex. A companion who would do anything and I mean anything.

I’m thankful for having awesome friends who tend to be crazy when I get lonely but you can’t avoid having those days when every friend of yours is kinda busy. The topic went on and on for like an hour or so talking about how lovely would it be, by someone who will be there always or just for someone to talk to. I tried raising my points though of patience and all yet being 2 against 1 didn’t work.

What I did however was telling them the existence of other aspects of life like career, family and friends. Still I know how they feel though since I was and now in my single hood in my early adult years. Tired of waiting I guess. It does get lonely and sometimes I perceive myself that maybe something is wrong with me. I just can’t figure out what. I mean look at other people who are not so average looking still can hook up with other people. My mother always reminds me of stuff like this about how the way I look and act. Really no one has knocking on my door for the past 10 years I think on my existence. Reinventing then? Kinda hard but as of now I am still convenient on the ways I manage my life. Do I really need to change just to get noticed by someone? My answer is no. Can’t do that I mean that wouldn’t be titled as me right? Yes it’s lonely but it’s more important to respect yourself first.

How about the points on the gay guy? Well let’s just say all he could think as of the moment was that he can get that intimacy stuff but true love is still missing. Sexuality has always been an issue just to get attraction but no passion is present. It’s like a simple attraction according to him no deeper feelings of genuine love. I guess being on the homosexuality stuff still got some issues on this country. I kinda get jealous on where they get their self confidence though. I have self confidence but not that way up like my friend.

I divert myself into thinking there are other stuffs more important than being in such a relationship. It’s kinda hard to do but like I said I have crazy friends! There are some other aspect of life that you have to go up and down with it, its balance you know. You can’t have all the luxuries in the different aspects.

Ironically the song entitled "I Don’t Need a Soul (to hold)" by Relient K fits perfectly to this post.

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Busted

Typically I got busted…again

found out again yet i didn't take back anything
image by marypops

Come to think of it, I got caught writing something bad to a person twice. First one was in first year college and the second was lately a week ago.

As for the first incident, my anger led me to write down unto a blog using one of those social sites, Friendster. I guess it was public at that time and I have no idea of it to be easily read by my friends on the site. Naïve. I’m looking for a tool actually that I can use to export those blogs here but nothing worked so far. I completely forgot on why on earth I was writing it, all I could remember is that my head was not in a good mood plus usually my only way of handling stress is through writing. I’m not a writer or anything but I find it an easy medium to release it more like sublimation, rather than using displacement or projection. So back to the first discovery, yeah those two literally read it and were sorry. I can still remember the reactions on their faces I guess I was hinting too much on the blog since they got it so easily. I’m a person who likes to use descriptions rather than names… confidentiality bases? Yeah I guess so but I usually don’t find totality hatred on the person, only the actions which are irritating. I suck on holding grudges for so long. Good thing people moved on plus still we have these ok relationships with those two. It wasn’t so bad and both of us learned from it too.

As for the second discovery, it was the frenemy; the same person who I used to describe last post. Well to my dismay, she found out about this blog. As for me I was shocked as hell. While waiting for the time to watch the Eclipse movie, she sent me a sms. I didn’t bother to open at first since I was kinda busy. Next thing I know, I was cursing at the top of my lungs with the twins laughing at me. I even texted my cousin, Lara and Carmi bout it but they just laughed about it too. Yes I freaked out since I know the exact words I used. Reality hit me; it was a good thing actually. At least now, she knows something about it, she’s aware about it. Why didn’t I tell her personally? I’m a person that doesn’t like unpleasant encounters. Plus my encounter was for a short term, wasn’t having any plans to stick around with her. It’s not like that I’m using her, the longer I stick with her the easily get annoyed on everything she does. It’s bothersome but maybe I was being annoying. It’s kinda hard to explain but I guess there are some people who befriend you are better seeing through only few times, not 24/7. It’s her beliefs what maker me irritated sometimes. Her principles maybe are not the things I believe but there is nothing I can do, I can’t force to change her if that are the things which make her what she is.

confused if what she's saying where true or not
image by sage18

How did she found out? Simple! Through my ym account. Not ready to showcase this blog to the friends I have since I’ll be killed for sure. Paranoid is one thing I am. Although I have some followers to this blog, I find it ok because only a few people know my schemes. I also trust them on reading about these schemes. I forgot that I wired my blog to my ym before when I was in high school. Busted totally.

So how things between her? Still friends but some changes. I guess she had it pretty bad since she doesn’t come to any of the review classes with me. We still have communication but I was the one at fault and there is nothing I can do about it. I apologized of course but she was the one who spaced away, my instincts are telling me she’s searching for another ally with this exam. Funny thing is that a very reliable source told me some view points about her and it’s the same as what I experienced. No wonder she’s like that now.

If she finds out this post again, I congratulate her. Oh yeah sorry again for calling her frenemy. I thought about changing this site address but found it would be useless. I don’t know also if you find this post or any of my previous posts being a meany but clearly that is what I feel writing about stuffs. Like I said, this is my sublimation, a coping that I found useful and harmless.

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Ping Me: an Update

This would be just an update to what I’m busy with.

First my eligibility for NCLEX had arrived and that I surely taking a serious mode on the review thingy. So my schedule is tight with watching anime or series and reading mangas still intact. I’m so happy that I am able to reach katekyo hitman reborn’s latest episode. As of the moment, the latest episode is 190. Just 20 episodes to go and that I’m done, pure stream and that veoh player was my alibi on this. As for the mangas, kurushitsuji is so damn slow on the progress but the latest chapter is pretty good.

yes its cracking...
image by morrighan03

As for the other aspect, my brother has its own laptop and my cousin has a new notebook too. That leaves to me the eldest with the old pc. Damn! Just you wait for earnings and I’ll buy my own laptop. Still on bargaining my father not to disconnect our smartbro and to buy a router to have wifi! Inches to make him say yes hahahaha

Fifa is on the corner. The team I’m betting is still alive! Go argentina! I hope you do good on the quarter finals… betting on Gonzalo Higuain to do that stuff! Spain isn’t bad also plus those Germans do know how to play a good game with the crowds wowing!

Back to NCLEX, I’m having trouble with my friend wait frenemy on when to take the NCLEX. I wanted to take it on September, she wanted to take it on August. August is still early for me since I started second week in June to get my studying straight! Plus she’s the one who decided to stop with the review! If only I decided to ditch her, but that would be rude. My brain hurts, wanting to take with her or should I take alone. My mom bets on taking alone just to make sure. Her mother doesn’t allow her to extend, but I already gave up time on for her to decide but taking it early is a very huge risk. Not only that it’s expensive, but a one time take since the California state requires their state’s SSS number. I can’t do that! I’m still sticking September as my target month, I’m just being careful not reckless. The worse part is that the reason she wants an early take is that a hospital already called her and took the exam. I wasn’t even able to pass the requirements because I was afraid that it would clash on my exam date. Plus she’s not even sure if she passed the exam. It’s not my problem, I already told her that possibility but she pursued it anyway. I don’t want to go with her decision since she already made a wrong one before. I answered her that by the end of July she would get an answer from me.

its a love angle not triangle
image by iann7

This isn’t my business but I can’t stand it. Regards to my brother on his new chic he found. You see this chic was the same person my brother’s best friend tried to court. He failed but didn’t give up that yet. As for one thing my brother, his best friend and this chic are classmates so ultimately they would see each other in school. The best friend however kinda let it slide of courting the chic since he always gets busted. I don’t know if my brother asked any permission or had any closure with his best friend but they stop talking after my brother when for that chic. As for that chic, I don’t know. I feel irritated I mean she obviously know that they are super close friends what the hell he said yes to my brother. As for my brother, what on earth was he thinking ditching his long time friend for a girl! Man its like total wreck, another good relationship went down because of that. I have nothing against that chic, it’s that her action made me judge right away that she has a defect or something. Typing about it makes me annoyed but I can’t stand it! My own brother blinded with that! Typically that couple won’t last knowing my brother but then again I don’t about his best friend though. I even told my brother that clearly he’s the wrong guy on this scenario. He just laughed and won’t listen. Fine then go for the hard way.

Feels kinda relief after those paragraphs. As for other updates, I’m still being jailed for debts! When will this horror ends. Stupid stupid me for being suck a weakling on food! July is here and time time time is oh so precious. Procrastinating should stay away! I miss my friends, the close ones and that spending with frenemy is the only choice I got to be able to remind myself the horrible thing if I fail!

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Wedding anyone?

Half of the year has arrived and still I have no job nor took the NCLEX exam for once. Rainy months with school gates opening give back memories down when I was so excited to have my very cool pencil box and lunch money! Back then it was so simple that all I have to do is ace some exams so that parents would be proud of me… ok ok I have to admit I like to be praised a lot with what I accomplished. Hence I was kinda of a bookworm during elementary and high school days. College changed my vision drastically. Its more like what you want what you do what you get sort of persona. Independence. Oh yes I still love to be praised but my basic instincts on adjusting with people took that away eventually led me to a persona that watches people a lot, from different angles I guess. Now here I am typing this as a person who likes to see people go up, down and down some more.

Missing school? Hell no! It’s the people I guess… never actually pictured out that someday I would actually share these stuffs to a simple site; plus who would waste their time reading on this. A year passed, so what now? For some few friends of mine, they have the job, passed the exam or better yet married.

Intimacy vs. isolation as what Erik Erickson mentioned on the social developmental task of a human being, the young adult.

Physically mature but emotionally flat and spiritually evil. Those words suit me very nicely. For the social aspect? I’ll get to you in that…in due time.

Weddings have been an astonishing fantasy of every girl since childhood (bride wars movie), hmm not to me that is. Yet, in our section in college we have the most number of people married already. Reasons? Unwanted pregnancy? Could be but lets rephrase it to unplanned pregnancy. How about love?? Maybe. Every time I asked a newlywed, they would answered they were sure of the decision and not at least regretted about it. Not quit answering my question. I’m not totally convinced but seeing them tying the knots could be a thrilling more like nerve-racking experience for them. Plus I always check the in-laws reactions of during the whole ceremony thing, that’s the best part of having this early marriages stuff. The in-laws usually give the clear meanings to the wedding.

Yes I have my own life but like I said I enjoy watching people going up, down and down some more. Not saying that marrying early is so bad, it’s that some are going there where I’m here stuck. Stuck on keeping company to myself.

As of now I have clearly no plans of having kids or whatsoever, remember the word independence. This term has been engraved on my skull that my priorities is to get a really nice en route to my life towards traveling and repaying people that I love.

Ok ok I’ll explain my so-called dream wedding even if it’s not really ideal as of the moment. I’m just thinking of stuff to write but hey it’s June and I’m giving the mic to my ego for a change:


Ø I like to have both church and civil weddings
Ø Must be on an autumn month
Ø I like the idea of an autumn themed wedding complete with the maple leaves
Ø Single bridesmaids & groomsmen would be a plus sign
Ø Ceremony on the beach wait make it a park since its autumn themed
Ø No idea who my maid of honor would be
Ø Reception? No idea but the food must be great maybe a 4-5 coursed meal
Ø Cake? I dunno just not white and boring
Ø High school and college with relatives should be there
Ø The color rust and gold would be great
Ø Would be a day that it’s the happiest

Mainly that’s it… and for the record, I predict that none would be in my so called lists hahhahaha anyways I’m introducing some friends of mine who tied the knot earlier this year.

(1) Juzzy with hubby Micheal (2)Clauds with main squeeze Mckoy

(3) Harvey with Jkae (4) Xiang with hubby Janjan

(4) Marie with herman Duke (5) my teacher Diana with husband Earl

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