Showing posts with label negative. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negative. Show all posts

Monday, November 25, 2013

#BangonOrmoc

I guess you probably know the news already for days now. It’s been two weeks since the one of the strongest typhoon had hit my dear country and left hundreds of damages, debris and death. The super typhoon Yolanda/Haiyan hit the Philippines last November 8,2013. The route of the typhoon mostly hit the eastern part of the Visayan island group around 8 in the morning Philippine time. The cities and towns of Leyte including Tacloban, Palo and Ormoc were hit and well chaos turned over leaving also questions to what happen, who to blame and the actions of the national government.
a motivational sign that stood amidst the ruins [pic from instagram]

During the date I was in Cebu at home fresh from my night shift duty. It started raining earlier but was still manageable. The winds got stronger around 10 AM but yeah was reluctant enough to be inside, safe and dry. It lasted 2-3 hours and during the afternoon it mostly drizzled. My brother and I started contacting my folks since we knew that Ormoc is usually passed by typhoons yet no replies or calls since the evening. Didn’t panic yet until the images and video posts emerged from the net later that night, then I was getting worried.
 
The feeling of panic when you can’t contact from your loved ones from more than 24 hours is a torture. It’s like a fucked up time bomb. Your mind creeping to things morbid. I despise it. Still can remember those three days without any news from them, mostly images and videos from reporters weren’t helping. I was able to contact one aunt but was weak due to some family issues they have so still no idea if my folks were ok.
 
Finally my father replied with “Ok ra mi but wala na atop” (We’re fine but we have no roof). It did sounded like my father so yeah it was great to hear from them. I was then able to contact the rest of the relatives hours later. My parents were chill enough but my aunts weren’t, some of them sounded panicky. You don’t want to sit next to a panicky person, sucks big time and contagious too. Thanks to them, I was on a frenzied mode of helping out and just be at home straight away. My parents were against it but I insisted. I was torn between going home or not since rumors of looting during ship docking spread like wild fire. It made me angry hearing some of it. According to the media, Tacloban was a war zone filled with people that were desperate for survival even led to some killings and rape. I don’t know it was a shocker but knowing mostly Tacloban people have this “indifferent” attitude I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who are Warays (People of Tacloban due to the dialect they spoke) but mostly they have this ego which I don’t like to describe it further. Yet these people are peace loving.

Together with the brother, we headed to Ormoc day 5 after the Yolanda incident.

the pier and first shot when I arrived

the city park [ pic from twitter]

the roofless city terminal which is located near the pier [pic from twitter]

The port and the pier looked like a giant garbage wasteland from the docks. No trees, everything was a mess icluding the park and the heat was killing it. The city was even more devastating to look at seeing that every structure, house or commercial space, was a victim. good thing they opened the fire hydrants around the area for water . The wet market along with some grocery stores were on business but with limited time due to no electtricity. Banks were slowly having transactions during day 6 after yolanda.

view from the neighborhood in Mejia

my house with the brother on the it

the neighbor's house across the street

During the night, it was creepily quite. Although we have the moon to shed some light on, the city was awkwardly silent. Some fire hydrants had this scheduled availability for water so mostly my job was to bring water and the schedule was around 7 in the evening, yep dark.

my grandmother's home in Linao which was blocked by trees

inside my grandmother's home, the floor covered in water

There were lines everywhere if you want to buy anything from grocery, hardware and gasoline but mostly Ormocanons were patient enough. People were manageable I guess since the former typhoon Uring (Ormoc Flash Flood) which hit Ormoc last November 5, 1991 was heavier. Uring swept the city with floods that left 5 thousand killed. After that, bridges and dams were maximized and ever since no heavy floods have been reported. People told me that Yolanda was stronger  and more destructive than Uring but the casualties were only 30. They were ready enough and my folks survived it.

the waiting line on Gaisano Riverside, a mall and grocery store

the city Maternity Hospital which was perished

trees torn down along the gates of the city church

The only unruly settlement was the relief goods. Its been 6 days since the typhoon and not a batch of relief goods came. The media and some people were in desperate for help and thus came the questions of the unfit from the national government.  It took a week for the goods to arrive in Ormoc.

I hate politics but it was too much. The president was mostly blaming the local governments in Leyte of the unpreparedness. The people were prepared but didn’t expect of how strong it was. Reasons behind delayed of the goods were due to the DSWD who again repacks them with seals from elected officers where in fact the people were the one who brought them, not having enough vehicles to bring the goods where in fact during last election, the candidates were able to reach the smallest roads with their campaign and just keeping the goods on factories until they were spoiled or perished due to rain.  Some of the officials had made a fool of themselves against international medias like CNN and BBC. The interviews led to how dirty Philippine Politics is and made some unruly responses from Filipinos across the world. It’s about time for the whole world to know and yes I guess they were challenged big time. They were loads of issues being raised but then our own media can be biased against it all.

There were hundreds of people from northern Leyte fled to safer cities like Cebu and Manila. Every terminal and dock were packed with people. Even when we were leaving for Cebu, the pier had become an evacuation center for some waiting for the scheduled boats to arrive.

people scavenge for electricity to contact their loved ones [pic from child fund]

Spent just 3 days at home but I wasn’t that devastated. I witnessed the people I came from are stronger and that the goodness of humanity still exist. Ormoc may not be a glamorous city but its people have strong fighting spirits. Even under the heat and finding ways of rebuilding homes, people still managed to joke around and smile. They still also managed to help each other especially on neighboring communities. My photos posted aren’t enough to say how much it felt like being there. To my fellow Ormocanons, I salute you! Survivors twice in the making.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Stopping the Party


After all these years, I’m still doing the stuff I had been since college. The difference is that the people are random. I don’t get it. I keep coming back on it when my brain tells me to stop. Is this some kind of addiction that every time I end up meeting new people I end up doing the same?
 
I have to admit that way back I was kinda curious about this kinda lifestyle. Doing parties on weekends, getaways or roadtrips and pigging out sessions with people. Now that I have a taste of it, it’s kinda dull. I guess because I keep doing it with different people that makes me going. It’s tiring, redundant and abusive to my sanity. Tried drinking or binge drinking, smoking whether its cigarettes or weed, and sleepless nights or hangovers on work. I don’t do drugs or any kinky stuff whatsoever that I keep my dignity intact. You know the feeling of being high? Not the drug addiction part, but the kind of you want to be lost in the music on the background, swaying your hair to the sweat and just laugh your problems away. Reaching your hands up in the air, banging you neck to the beat and doing whatever you wanna do. Party animal? Nah! I call it freedom. It’s the same feeling I have when I jumped through cliffs or pursed up from the water. The only thing that bothers me about it is that I feel that I am alone with this. I am kinda afraid if I force people to do the same, I’m abusing them. I live a life of more instinctual. Due to fact that I am enjoying it so much, I can’t distinguish if I am abusive. I tend to have this philosophy that you live once so grab it, but it’s getting way out of hand.

I go insane like this guy hahahaha

When all of those are over, sometimes I just take a pause, listen to what my heart is saying. But usually it says nothing, just silence. Sometimes I end up in tears. I still can’t figure out where the tears come from, my conclusions so far are that stress from all of the madness or that I am alone with it. I did share these concerns with friends, mostly of them said that I need to take a break from it like sleeping or having a new habit. The only reply I got that made me smile was that no matter how bad I may think of it I can still go back to the innocent me. The raw me when all I cared before were catching up with school and anime; that I know how to go out and get in safely.
 
Yikes! The madness did change me to some good and bad sides. I did make a lot of friends and talk more. Tend to have invites more often unlike before which I have to be mostly alone. I can still remember the days when I was at home waiting for something exciting to happen like an alien invasion. I am abusing my health though due to all of that.

The intervention I did was to take a haitus from it for a month, which I’m trying now. I’m on my third week but I did partied last Saturday due to some ‘heart-breaking’ issues by colleagues. So far I am happy with haitus. My fitness crazy is what my mind is busy from. I just like to have my excess belly to disappear! Hahahahaha kinda nice actually since I’m exposed to fewer toxins and yes I am that desperate. Why? Boredom. The only thing that usually drives me crazy on day offs. Why a month? Well next month is kinda big for me, last days of summer! Plus my sun and sand days are counted so better hit it up. Trying to taper it down, getting my energy back.

 whoever doesn't want to join this kind of crowd?

Obviously if you manage to read it here, stopping the party in me would be kinda miles away. It’s not the eternal happiness that I was looking for…  It’s the people who are the culprits of it. Definitely not hating them, it’s me who thinks that way.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Quarter Life Crisis


Borrowed and read the book, It’s kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. Practically light and fun to read which probably you could finish it by one sitting. I discovered there the term quarter life crises. As what my memory served me, it was like the half of the middle life crises or the age after your teen years where you have to face the reality.

 the book ain't bad, try reading it [image source]

So I googled this one since a friend of mine asked if this thing exist:
‘The quarterlife crisis is a period of life following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult. The term was coined by analogy with mid-life crisis.’

True it exists now since basically I think I have it…
 
According to Erikson’s 8 crises on human being, we have these social crises to overcome in every developmental stage. Adolescent has the identity vs. role confusion. I did however trouble on who I was way back but I did get over it. Young adulthood has intimacy vs. isolation. I guess I have trouble facing reality now due to some intimacy issues I guess. Funny when I just learned about this on college, I said to myself I didn’t experience nay crisis on every stage…yet. I was wrong. It all started to think about it when I had work. I guess I need to get out of there. Somehow work has drawn me into some self-hate. Due maybe to some circumstances of failed responsibilities or that it was so simple that I over analyzed it. Either way still I found some self-hate which scares me.
 
I guess I hate having responsibilities, but I need some finances to survive though. So should I quit then? Sooner maybe but I have to finish the contract then, as for now all I ask is to have passion on it.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Whinings

Eventually it’s been a month before posting any stuff on my blog…

As for a little update kinda busy with work, not having my laptop at home since the bro harbors it a lot for his review and my days off consist of drinking both alcohol and caffeine that I just slumber to bed when I arrived late.

For starters I just had to change my blog interface, the old one was getting a bit too crowded. Was looking for a cleaner look plus getting those codes are a fuss. For now I like my orange style though, and the monkey offers me a sense of welcome to my page.

And oh yes, the bro didn’t mentioned to me about reformatting the damn laptop, so my precious bookmarks and blog entries that weren’t published yet are gone forever. Now I have to start from scratch to eventually make up some lost data. My pseudo tumblr list is gone that I have to link a new one or more like continue to a new list without cutting it off. Hai life sucks sometimes…

this picture states it all

Typically I’m bored even though I am back to my pace life of busy and party. I guess my age has suggested to look for some ‘newer’ excitement install for me.

I don’t get it why I am this bored na with life in general.

Work is fine so far even if I am now assigned to ICU in a just 4 months of probation; so far so good on the job and taking care of those patients. The only thing I dreaded the most is the spongbath with perineal care kinda of thing. Swiping of other people’s butt is no joke and really gross too. Although the work is ok I do miss sometimes the business of it on the floor, where you can see time flies so fast. Hai like I said life sucks and that it’s life why I entered this kind of career anyway.

with the 5a station staff, kinda miss working with them

went zipline with them at Papakits Danao

lastly, food tripping with them

As for other aspect, I’ll be turning 23 soon and I’m broke out of hell. I also have to work on that day since I forgot to ask for a day off since they make schedules really early. I dunno what to splurge on but my only rule is that I must get up and thank the Big Guy above for me to breathe in this past 23 years. The materialistic stuff could come after though and that I should learn how to save save and save some more.

Still single though, but that part is the least one that I am having trouble with. I just want something weird or exciting to happen. Something that entertains me somehow cause really I’m bored bored bored with my life today.

Reading this entry makes me kinda sad… it sounds like my life is on constant motion to repeating. I must I must post some other stuff besides this… hey this is an update anyway

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Sour Bloodline

I had this so called dilemma in my head when my first two cousins started to live with us in college. What I didn’t think about it was what a pain in the ass my world would be living with them. Never realize that the people you grow up together with would be totally different once you live with them.

So at first, I thought it would be so much fun I mean at least I could have another person to talk to when my brother isn’t around. Backfired. It went something like being constantly nagging on how everything was a mess. Three years had passed and still there are some major issues that I would really like to clarify with them especially the girl. At that time I didn’t have the guts to share it in this blog since causing trouble would add more fuel to the argument.

My cousins are both on the same grade in college, girl and boy but the boy is older. They go to the same university as I did so I was being a chaperon/cousin/roommate/guardian at that time. I was the eldest so I was given the responsibility of looking out the younger ones, as to my nature I really don’t like being strict and make some rules but there are some people who are really hard headed.

The first few months of the semester, it was okay. My junior college at that time was hell since I was loaded both physically and mentally in school. Home was like a sanctuary of sleep to me and wants it clean. Personally I am not a clean freak but of course I know the difference between a mess and a pile of mess. At first I didn’t mind the little trash or the smell but it was getting into my nerves. I would constantly see the unwashed dishes in the sink or the garbage bag wasn’t thrown out yet or the amounts of hair stuck on the bathroom floor. I reminded everybody about it yet the same results, even my brother started to complain about it. The only good thing I witnessed was that at least the boy cousin knows how to clean stuffs; the girl was kinda pain on the ass. I don’t know maybe she is that lazy or doesn’t know how to clean stuffs but for crying out loud, she’s a girl! She should be the one who is more conscious about her surroundings but instead her brother is the one usually doing it! Tsk

having extended family living with you has its ups and downs [image source]

And oh don’t get me started on the other stuff. Personally I don’t care if they get their first boyfriends or girlfriends but at least they should tell me not hide from it. Naturally you should be careful on to whom you trust in this world, especially if you are a girl. Let me ask you; is it ok for a girl to be alone in a taxi with your newly met male classmates? Unless if you know those guys quite well right? Another question; is it ok for a girl to be alone with a guy and be invited to go to a mountain view with the guy’s high school barkada? For crying out loud I mean why would be the girl go after a guy, have some dignity left! Plus when we tried calling on the guy’s cellphone, he wouldn’t answer just end it. Who wouldn’t be worried then? Those were some stuff that happened three years ago and just recently. Who wouldn’t be suspicious if almost all of my college classmates claimed that they saw my girl cousin with a guy eating alone on a food chain or that they were constantly spotted on a mall together or that they were so sweet together holding hands and stuff? When I asked her, she usually denies it. That’s the sour part, denying in front of me while others have evidences shesh! Then it gets to the point that she constantly comes home late in the evening on a school night. When I asked her brother her where abouts, he had no idea; I was getting pissed off since no freshmen can be that demanding on time to work on academics. Plus her brother comes home before her and they had the same schedule. It was really hard since my auntie keeps on checking on them every day and I had to make some excuses so that it won’t get to the point of panic. Really I was in a position that I really dislike, holding authority to someone’s freedom but her actions forced me to do it.

I have to admit I was also guilty on coming home late also during weekends usually I unwind myself due to stress in school. It’s sort of therapy every weekend since junior year in nursing is hell, maybe she saw me as an example but during school nights that’s a different story.

Things got way out of hand that finally the news reached the grownups. It was chaotic and I have no idea what was her defense though. But I am pretty sure she did some covering up on some parts of her story since it’s more like we (me, my bro and her bro) were to blame. I don’t get it but they prefer her story than her bro’s, the more truthful side. Yes it was unfair but I have no choice. I just shut up about it and ignored the situation so that nobody can get beaten up further.

When they moved out of the room and transferred to the other one, it was a relief for me. At least I don’t have to deal anymore on the mess and I don’t have to face with the same dilemmas over and over again. Presently, the mess I kept on mentioning is present on their room as we speak. Really it’s like a storm in there plus her brother usually is the one who cleans the room often, poor thing. I could still hear them having fights, even our landlady said so herself. I don’t know and I scarcely see her sometimes though in a week. Usually her excuses are duties and projects but there is something fishy on her story I mean you know exactly what to expect since I’ve been there! Hai it’s giving me a pain but like I said I just shut up about it and hope nothing major happened to her.

Now, their younger sister is entering college now together with my cousin who is my roommate as well. Ironically, my roommate cousin has somehow faces the same problems as I and my brother experienced with the elder sister. Like her elder sister, she chases after this guy which, according to my cousin, is ‘way pamatasan’ (no proper morality) or still doesn’t like to clean up with the mess. I don’t know how these people were raised but it’s kinda really annoying! Is this some kind of sickness that runs on these sisters? I mean look at their older siblings, they weren’t like that. They were more responsible and I really respect them a lot. My roommate cousin was the one who had a tight situation last summer because she was forced to spill on the grownups. It was like hell as she described it. Relationships broken plus her trust from her parents also was bitten. She had no choice, all she wanted was everybody’s safety but when it comes to a situation when you are labeled as the bad guy, you will do anything just to be innocent. Hai yes it was a pain again on the head. Now, my roommate cousin still said that nothing has changed after summer; the girl still chases the guy. She constantly reminds her that but her actions is still the same. I don’t know I mean that cousin of mine is really one bright student when it comes to academics but a loser when it comes to life.

The sad part is that their mother defends them more and gets mad when we say ill to her children. Naturally she’s a mother but if only she knows the whole truth about stuffs then maybe she will change her mind. All we want is everybody’s safety because really these kids are like immature flies waiting for some evil frog to swallow them whole. Don’t tell me they will only realize when something bad happen to them, then it’s not a problem of ours anymore.

Ignore ignore and ignore some more. Somehow it seems to work fine to us. Yet being worried because of their actions gives me some dilemmas as well. Like what my brother said, it’s their life they are old enough to make decisions. Yes they are old enough but we don’t want a relative to suffer due to regret.

They still have three girl siblings that have to enter college. I don’t know what these girls have I just wish they wouldn’t be like the others since it will be another pain on the head again.


Monday, September 06, 2010

Imperfect

Sick of hearing it!
Sick of hearing how fat I am. I get it, I’m big so what? It’s not the end of the world!

what the fucking problem of being fat?! [source]

It’s not your problem why I’m like this…

It’s not your problem why I don’t have a boyfriend…

It’s not your problem why if ever I’ll be dead due to diabetes, heart attack or sort of disease that’s gonna clog up my veins or arteries…

It’s just that I’m sick… completely pissed of hearing these words over and over again for the past years. Since then I just laugh about it, but my bucket of smiles are empty… running out of any patience that I need to wipe out someone…

It’s not your problem that I like eating...

It’s not your problem that I like food so much especially sweets...

It’s not your problem that I usually munch on things when studying...

It’s not your problem that my stomach screams for food once in a while...

Is there any place for some weight on? Is there any problem if I gain a few pounds? So what if I have problems of being overweight now? I get it you don’t have to drill my skull to get to the point.

I’m proud of having this, it’s me, it’s not some crazy person who wants to look good that she ends up starving to death, or have severe stage of ulcers or worse using money just to pamper one self or just to get attention to everyone. That’s plainly aesthetic! I use my brain wisely, I don’t make decisions base on what others tell you too. I don’t give in to their demands and that you should be thankful that I have the thing to control everything I am since I know my limits.

That’s what I hate about society, making up what’s normal! Just because all you see are thin people, I am an eyesore then…

people tend to see what's outside, idiots! [source]

People are different, I have my own uniqueness. Good thing I don’t do drugs just to loose weight. See those actress on tv? Mostly the faces are fake anyway that I don’t know what’s real to them.

I do eat a balance diet, but still girls have these excess package that its kinda hard to pull it off. Exercise? Well I did but since you want to focus my attention to studying that I clearly stop going to the gym and concentrating on sitting. If only I could drill these words to your skull too.

I can handle this, since I am like this since before. I hate it even typing these words makes me want to literally punch you on the face even if we are related.

Imperfect! Plus I don’t want to be controlled. All I want you to do is just relax and let me handle this. Maybe I should use those drugs just to shut the hell out of you.

My posts are becoming lame I know but it’s my medium of release for me

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Annoying Shadow

**Trying again my stuff on ghost writing, actually inspired on a character to one of the manga i'm reading. I actually quite understand the things she's going through but still no idea on the gender she's referring so it's kinda hard. On the second note, my first try was this poem here way back in college... so if you're planning on reading this i thank you in advance for wasting 5 minutes on it



For a boost of ego, it’s nice to have some loyal fans or make it a fan that praises every action you take; even if it’s in your social networks or just in reality. It does give your confidence a little… well a show of its own. Really who would complain? I mean your being an example to someone either good or bad and that someone believes in you, the philosophies you stand and that you’re somebody’s star goal or important human being that ever existed.

Remember the Newton’s third law of physics? Wait make it attraction.

For every action, there is an opposite reaction…

Having a follower of you is ok but a copy cat! That’s another thing…

image by aeya112

Literally it annoys me having to find out someone that doesn’t know the meaning of stop, overboard or shame. Its not a big deal for me if its that normal conversation but then its get worse… its get to the point that every action I took, every single thing I do there is something that he or she will do anything just to get attention or make an event that he or she is actually present! Yes I know you’re alive and you don’t have to send the message twice. I’m no coco bird and I need my space.

I clearly inform the message that to please lessen it up a bit but got the wrong impression instead. Tried confronting it again, still got the wrong idea. What part of stop you don’t understand? Do I need to perform a demo in front just to get the picture? Or you’re the one who has a coco brain? I already made the first move to clear up things and yet I always fail.

Copycats, I prefer them the lowest part of society. It means that you’re not confident enough of who you are. Unless you have a sickness hmm I guess it was introjection, meaning copying the traits of others. Just because I’m having conversations or spilling some classified (if you consider them classified) things bout my life doesn’t mean you know me very well. Because we see each other or make replies to each other doesn’t mean you know me that well too. Presumptions kill the cat very early. Please listen first to what I’m not saying.

It’s not always about us in this world. Learn to adjust, to adapt. I guess that what others forgot to see, that you’re not the only living person here. You maybe unique, everyone is but you don’t have to annoy a single person just to get the message, clearly I got it. The problem is that if I reply, you tend to extend it make it a conversation bout the things you have or won. You say that no one understand you, clearly no one will if you won’t let them understand. The world is simple and people are not dumb not to get the question, except for you.

Hence I hate drama queens and emos. They tend to complicate things, not seeing the big picture. There is no such thing as a no-asking policy; stop sulking and let people know what you really want. Actions are louder than words.

Look what you really are, stop assuming things and know your limits to everyone. That’s why it’s better to be yourself than being a great pretender.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Being a Douche Bag

Last Friday would be the deadliest er rather the craziest penalty my life had ever done! I know my id won again and my conscience kept on kicking my brain on returning to the safe side. Once again I defy the law my mother gave me. I mean I was carried out by the situation so much that I didn’t think it as dangerous. All I could here was that my mother’s voice on the other line stating I abused my body way too much…which was true and I hated it!

don't trust my smile, the morning after i lied tsk tsk

I was scheduled to have a tooth extraction on Friday, same as my friend’s bday. Yes I did my best to keep that date clean but still due to my procrastinating ways, the dentist set it on the same date. At first I hesitated on not telling my mother, but I told her later that day. She went mad like mad mad. Her words were blowing off my ear on the other line. I was there at a friend’s house, my stuff was packed and I had like fifteen minutes before the time we were supposed to be waiting. Feeling pathetic, I couldn’t reply to what my mother was blabbing about, and finally said a lie to her that I was heading home. I ended up having to endure both pain and guilt all the way to Balamban. Yes I diverted my attention to the surroundings but my mom’s voice kept echoing through my head. I know I was really wrong and I know was acting stupid but then I had fun… I still managed to put a genuine smile to people even if my tooth was aching… I even dragged my brother to my pretentious intention just to get there (this part was not easy, my brother is a snake literally!). Its like instinct that I have to go… and I’ll have to deal with regrets later. Luckily now, nothing serious happened to my tooth yet except that the swelling and the eating part are kinda annoying.

I fed myself to selfishness that day but it was my decision, no one forced me or advised me to do it; even another friend said that. Thanks to her I wasn’t being a sleezeball or acting cranky during the moments of food, food and more food! Hahahha I know I’m a sinner for gluttony… and to think my brother said that I had very weird reasons for myself to be there (and I have to keep it to myself too). Literally my hands are shaking again when I do this kind of stuff. Yup ironic that I tried so hard to follow my mom’s advises but I noticed almost all of them I have the urge to defy them. Not on revenge though, maybe I’m scared that I would end up like her! See the pattern to what her profession is.

with carmi (my tooth nurse) and lara (the bday girl)

Enough with the conscience talking, all I could really say is thank you very much! I had fun, another page to my memory book, another experience to the situation both good and bad plus the free food I got. Weird I never saw a bibingka that looks like pancakes and very tasty too. My cousin complained on why I only bought three pieces, as if I have the idea they would love it.

at the beach on the last day ( bige aka hungry kitchen, lara aka bday girl / food supplier, carmi aka tooth nurse!)

Blessing in disguise then? No not that… I’m still on the healing process of my left molar. Only one more request, if you ever know my mother personally, please don’t tell her about this. I will be killed for sure!

PS: Big thanks to hungry kitchen for the photos! hahahha ^___^

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Ugly Love

Before I could scream all of my angst inside there are some major points I would like to clarify. I have never been in to a serious relationship so how do I know all these stuff? I guess people are so into that state that when it comes to failing or broken hearts, I’m just unluckily there… gathering all data er more like witnessing them that it comes in all forms. No I am not a love guru or an expert as the matter of fact, but I think the data I gathered are quite sufficiently enough for me to speak my mind off.

Its true being in love is one of the greatest thing that man will ever experience. At least you have the reason to look forward unto the day, or that someone would rescue you from all you woes or having someone who just loves every bit and piece of you including your teeth.

One aspect I can see clearly is that there are no permanent happy endings. When we were young, tv has probably feeding us inputs that are more on the positive sides of life. Yeah there’s like a little part when the evil triumphs but hey! Who wants evil to win in a movie right?? Luckily, life has its little secrets to feed us (reality) and it goes by with us. More like wheels, going up and down, up and down again… that stuff… thus divorce was born! People just easily get married and if happy ending runs out pooof! Lawyers and papers kicks in. I don’t get it; marriage is like a really big step and here we are in this world practicing man and woman to be easily divided just by signing some papers. Mind you only the lawyers gain all the profit…

Torn apart by sailor-midnightstar

One funny data I also see is that people all get really really crazy when it comes the love agenda. Either way, all I could say is plain over reacting. One situation is even if the couple are still together likely one partner would pull something pathetic which maybe kinda weird more likely creepy hahaha, fine fine the partner is just being sweet right? Really there are just some people that just takes over the lives of one’s partner… more like the boss or like the master puppeteer… females usually do this controlling their partner’s movements, kinda sucks for being in his shoes don’t you think? I mean give the guy his privacy, because too much isn’t healthy. Plus trust him, he’ll come back to you like a lost puppy for sure. (unless your putting him too much trust, that he’s cheating on you tsk tsk tsk) like what my cousins say, respect and communication should be there… (this part here was all their idea hehehe)

As for the other aspect, hitting splits Ville. All I could think about this one is the inner wildness in us more like the inner jealousy in us just takes over all our existence. Its like your partner just hit you really good and the wake up call comes in different things: revenge, remorse or killing thyself. It’s still ugly…

Next would be the sex thing. Every guy just wanna get laid. Usually they prefer doing it being the first one to a gal, I dunno maybe it’s like a male dominance thing. Since mostly I’m surrounded with overflowing testosterones in my family, this topic has been more like a common conversation. Believe me, it was weird at first but then those guys did teach me something… yes I’m a girl but just because I see a naked photo of I guy that doesn’t mean I’m hitting trough orgasm… I guess girls are hard to please hahaha

Trapped by Love? by LordMishkin

The only nuisance about girls is that doing it first to a guy and then when they broke up, the girl just go berserk and all. Yes we live in a conservative country, and that virginity is sacred to us but why go nuts? I’m not blaming them for anything but 75% of it belonged to them since they let their man do it. But because the guy loves you and all still it’s your responsibility, only girls have the rights to be in that position or not. (except for rape) Personally, I guess its ok to be devirginize now a days and mostly people see it as part of society; slowly accepting though… but just remember the balance beam, cause the risk factors are quite huge compared to 10-15 minutes of pleasure. And oh practice it safely too.

So far, those are my data that are clearly to see. Hmmm there are other aspects too, like the age gap, mistresses, unrequited love and cheating. Mostly these are depict on movies... Love just not all sunny days you know...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Spilling the Beans

Like most people we have some really weirdness inside of us. It could be a monster, a sick habit or the biggest secret that you have to die if others will know. Yeah I guess watching anime made me think this way… the feeling that why on earth I was born this way or why on earth I have to deal with useless things! Like boredom or annoying people… maybe that’s the reason why I get pissed off I people tend to say cartoons to anime, hello! Cartoons are aimless! Their goal is to laugh your ass off i.e. spongebob. I admit that some anime have this shallow storyboard but then they kicked you right on the middle or the end. Like bubu chacha for example, what I learned from it that you can’t always please everyone and life’s too short to waste it; to think a baby and his talking car made me realize those hahhahaha

Still I am attached to this system I guess… although I can’t see myself as an otaku unlike before… (high school memories flashing!)

What I truelly find about my self that I can “mostly” relate to anime character are two things: soujiro seta’s smile and being a reaction formation



Seta’s smile is like a mask… you know what I mean… a façade that creates an illusion to everyone; basically just to put a good face or other words hide the true feelings! Hmmmmm basically I wear this smile, yes its genuine since I’ve been practicing it! How do I know if it’s effective?? They say that I always have an airy atmosphere like humming birds chirping sort of stuff or that they smile back and ask the reason for my being smileyness…. Either way all of them were fooled… no wonder that when I complained they still have to guess which interventions to keep me company. And for the record, I’m showing signs of a histrionic kind of personality, which is like way way off. The reason? I always tell everyone what I’m doing through sms… hmmm not quite since I have nothing better to do and that people ask me these stuff… still the seta’s smile works every time I’m in deep deep trouble


In psychiatry, reaction formation is someone who acts the opposite of what he truly desires to do. Yeah I’m really really like that! It’s like a hard habit, not that I’m medically ill that is, but I see myself doing stuff that I don’t want to. For example, I hate watching Filipino films but somehow I end up watching katorse (because of enchong dee) or that I kept on denying that I like someone so much during my review board days that when I was alone and saw him around the vicinity I usually had this action of saying hi to him with a big smile splattered on my face. So much for the denial part… so ok ok I think I guess this is kinda sick! Or I am sick, literally! I’m trying though as to say what’s on my mind but then I have second thoughts for I had an incident of being frank too much that end up having enemies of my own… life is so unfair

And I am so stubborn that I have these dilemmas of dealing with other people’s issues….
Intimidating?? Nah!

**mask image by hengki24

Friday, October 09, 2009

Oddness of People

I’m not a friendly person. I tend to hide my face with a fisherman’s hat in high school. I had short hair with bangs sticking out on my way before. I get paranoid walking through roads with people staring and was usually quite in an unfamiliar environment. Before, I was shy and preferred to entertain my mind than others now I’m like a bird being set free from a cage that doesn’t shut up.Justify Full
College changed me dramatically… both negative and positive ones. During gatherings, I’m always wearing a smile. I guess that’s what I get for keeping myself to myself.


I do receive a lot of comments before about being unhappy, moody, grumpy, having a frown face and being ungrateful to the world. One time while boarding a ship for cebu, this crew, who checked tickets, suddenly asked about my grumpy face. I felt weird why he asked but replied I needed more sleep (liar!). That’s what I hate most about strangers; they usually asked stupid questions to get your attention. I wasn’t pissed more like annoyed. I’m not a fan of strangers hence if I don’t know you and acted like close buddies to me, beware. Its either I’ll ignore you or I’ll shot a dead look. Both were and still effective.

Another thing is through texting (sms message). That’s another battlefield that people are so giddy about. The net’s another thing but my phone number is personal to me. That’s why when someone asked me my number and I don’t know him or her, I usually give them my unused sim number (globe). Yup I tried rejecting them and replied to stop asking but only it gets worse, bugging me endlessly… sigh. Messages that involve bulking too much in my inbox also are annoying. More like you have to ask the person one by one plus these questions aren’t important at all (e.g. “what you doin?”, “naguncha ka?” (what you doin), “asa ka karn?” (where you at?), “ni eat naka?” (have you eaten?). I came upon one time about asking if I want to hang out with him, I said no cause I don’t know him, he kept on insisting, I said no. When I didn’t reply, the bastard called. I ignored the call, still kept on calling, hmmm I guess it was 6-9 times around 11 in the evening. My surroundings got pissed why I won’t answer it. Finally, I answered and put in front of the amplifier where a slipknot song was on the background. Ha! The bastard texted that why on the earth I did that, I replied that he was annoying, selfish and find himself a girlfriend that he’ll court personally, not on a piece of technology. After that, unknown numbers didn’t annoy me. That served them right!


Another thing that I find pretty annoying is selfishness. I’m not talking about the gluttony, hmmm the one who prefers to see me, and only me. I hate that kind of crap! Users is what I call them… others tend to be blind as well for they have become uncap able slaves to these users, pity. Remember the buddy hangover post? Man that was annoying! Not only that I found excuses not to go to the university since my cousin was in a brick of breakdown and needed my help, still this person insisted to go, hai! I felt that I was fooled and I had wasted taxi money, tsk tsk. Good thing my cousin was still in one piece when I arrived at her place.

Yes I am whining and yes I do have my own flaws as well. Still I can’t believe why people had these traits that are very, very unpleasant. The world is a web of unfairness and I had to deal with them, everyday!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Dissolving alcohol

One thing I’m sure about facing problems is that alcohol is not a solution! I repeat not a solution… rather it gives you an ugly headache, ulcer like pain on you gastro system and no matter how you put it, the feeling you wish you never had still remains. Even if your in the blackout stage, you will still face reality as an everyday life…. Which is the reason I prefer a glass of saltwater, that way my body would took charge and my mind becomes a nostalgia aka gone mad!

People tend to shift on alcohol during depressant episodes but alcohol is a depressant, makes sense right? No matter how you put it, it just drives you down way down on your bottomless pit…

I’m talking straight from my experience. I do admit there are also some good times shared with people, but using it alone? It’s becoming addicted to it; which is pretty scary to me. I do respect the social bonds or norms that society create over gatherings but please don’t go overboard… unless you’re making a scene which you’ll eventually regret for the rest of your life… amen! Well sometimes society is like the devil, making lame conclusions which sometimes i strongly disagree upon… that’s life a web of unfairness


What’s alcohol for? Mainly for socializing only, not a solution! Believe me, for the past years of witnessing hangovers, my brain almost hits to an explosion! For long-term use, certain health issues rises. Which may have pint-pointed me on regretting some events before, all I could say positively to it? The memories… quite true that those memories were like a freak show but I had fun ^^

As for ways on stopping it, try small steps… gradually secluding you from it… takes a lot of patience and courage. Going instantly cold chicken? Hmmmm it doesn’t work for me automatically!


If you ever spot me again on a drinking frenzy, just remind me of this post! Seriously that way I wouldn’t be eating these words in front of you…
And beer gives my belly a lot of fat! Waaaah

ps: hmmmm i feel very bad about what happened to manila, and the great flood.... its like seeing myself again on what happened to ormoc in 1992... man i still had some flashbacks about water, snakes and swimming on it! waaaaah it was like mad! anaywayz i could only offer prayers since basically i don't have any stuff or the money to give them.... i hope the weather would be very very fine soon...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

String of Chaos

Remember this date, 29th of September year 2009. Its like I’m stuck on a paralyze world of unluckiness! We all go through everyday weirdness right and ironically I got a horoscope saying that I have to expect the weirdest day ever, well surely that was date!


No net connection seemed to me like torture since the computer is the only piece of entertainment in my apartment. Well I have a phone and a radio but I’m not a fan of those pieces… hmmmm exactly 2 weeks with no net connection. Almost all offline games were done and I’m running out of anything to keep me company. That’s where the post of going through Internet cafés came and it’s a pain in the bum! Seriously the lousiness of the computers and kept on freezing right in front of me! Even just to access facebook, the stupid device won’t let me hahhaai… to think there were only five people using the computers around 9am.


Ok I admit I was little bit jealous of my brother owning a new phone… and blame me it was a really good phone, sony ericson. Somehow to compete with my so-called nokia 5200, I bought this memory card since my phone was like 3 years without any extension to its memory. My stupid phone kept on hanging when I insert my memory card and started to hang every time I charge my batteries! I felt hopeless and desperate to use my memory card, at least my phone could be useful for once. I took it the repair shop and asked if they could reformat the whole internal memory, but (there’s always a but!) they have to check first if reformatting would be necessary which cost me 200.00php. Oh yeah plus a waiver was being signed in case my phone goes nuts; they are not to blame for it! (and all I want was to reformat sheesh!) I’m really an amateur when it comes to these repairing stuff, so a text came from the repairs indicating that new parts are needed plus labor with a bill of 678.00php waaaah meaning my personal debts is increasing once again! now I’m stuck with my cousin’s phone which is worst since the flex cable is busted! Not only that I can’t see the screen, it has weird sounds that are so gay (its pink and looks like a toy!) Waaaah, at least I could be in touch through calls.


Financially, I’m broke and my mother kept on yapping about the details why my allowance went to the drainage. First she insisted on claiming the passport to someone she know of working on the department so that filing would be faster, which is why I don’t like it since I’m not for once going back to that place filled with people, weird stares and funky smells (except for claiming the passport). And that’s were the rage came in, she kept on talking and talking; blaming me for the drainage allowance, fixing my phone which was still ok (ok for her!), going through gym that is not part of the expenses and doing nothing about the nclex. I know my mother talks a lot but when she raised those issues against me, I was mad, really pissed off and started to cry. And to think I asked for only 678.00php for the phone, and the gym expenses was my savings and allowance (plus the debts from people). Plus I also read those books she gave me for the nclex review and always going through that good for nothing university for the requirements needed, argh! That made me totally shake and now here I am letting my mind set off and go! (including throwing the pink phone unto the mattress with ants!)


To get my day worst, my bed was swarming of red ants! No one was eating on my bed, but those filthy red ants were everywhere! I decided to sleep on the floor and hang my mattress on the roof. Amazed, I carried the mattress all the way to the third floor by myself. Water was scarce suddenly and the pipes were dry, I dunno what other crazy stuff would happen next! I guess that’s what happens to pissed off people, instant strength and more bad luck!


Since I have no net, I’m actually typing through Microsoft word and listening to music (not the pussy ones) that kick ass (double pedals you know!) so if you made this part of my post, congratulations and thank you for somehow wasting your time on me… hahahaha at least I’m feeling better with paramore and static x at the background!