Spilling Myself

"Actions speak louder than Words"

Never quite believe this statement until recently.

I am a person that kinda has many blind spots to one self. I maybe a keen observant to others but I am zero when it comes to me. Zero specifically when it comes to people of the opposite sex. Many say that so many guys have given me some 'signals' but I just won't budge. I didn't quite get that at first until a demo was placed. The demo was base on a glass of water. I was this water nearly full in a glass. No matter what a guy threw at me or try to shake me off so he can get some of this water, nothing works. It's like I'm spill proof or something that you can't get the good stuff. It hit me when some weird scenarios flashed through my mind. Yes there were 'signals' but I was preoccupied of something else.

I need to be like this than being a spill proof [image source]

My face was ok to look at but my mind looked like this O_O

My good friend was the one who gave me this insight and yes it was a pretty clear one.

It gave some things about me, answers that I was dying to know before. Seriously I have no idea that there such a thing as body language that can tell which to which... Although there were a handful scenarios that flashed which I kinda find it regrettable or funny. Regrettable coz it involved some of them which were kinda ok... Funny coz I never thought that it was a signal hahaha and yes they could have get away with it.

It also hit me that my mind usually chooses who will get the good stuff. If I found out someone or something is 'weird' to me I usually step on a break for a checkpoint. Or that I am really really having no idea if he's sending me signals in what so ever. Thus, I am still single... I am quite contended though of the single life except for my mom. I have no idea why but she's somehow trying to present me to some of my flaws and gets back to reasons why I am still single. Pressure? No biggy my mind is set to the dream board I have. Lonely nights? Nah if you think of it on the other side those lonely nights will turn to fruitful events.

Eye opener then... But what I would like to have is to learn those body language. There are lots I mean lots of them. I just want to learn and apply them to myself; I mean come on knowing the stuff you’re like having the idea of what the guy is thinking. Reading someone's mind would be awesome!

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When Singles Talk

It was like a scene from a movie, three friends in a car on a Monday night. Two girls and a gay guy shared some interests on what’s going on with their lives. I was one of the three having those conversations. It was on random stuff from careers to personal choices, yet it lead to this sort of topic which I find it funny.

more or less the night was like this, should have snap a shot for a remembrance hehehe [image source]

The other girl opened up about being single. I have totally stated this issue for like a hundredth time in my blog. What I find it funny was that I usually don’t get tied up in conversations like this. From hook ups to heart breaks or from marriages to unwanted pregnancies, my 22 years of existence taught me a lot of things. But honestly what l lack on is experience on the dealing of intimate relationships. I have to admit I sure do write about being on the negative sides of being in a relationship, hence I have low idea on what’s it’s like on the positive state of being in a relationship. Lots of couples made it clear the awesomeness of being in love and all that crap can bring yet what I find it convincing to be in such a relationship would be the companion of the opposite sex. A companion who would do anything and I mean anything.

I’m thankful for having awesome friends who tend to be crazy when I get lonely but you can’t avoid having those days when every friend of yours is kinda busy. The topic went on and on for like an hour or so talking about how lovely would it be, by someone who will be there always or just for someone to talk to. I tried raising my points though of patience and all yet being 2 against 1 didn’t work.

What I did however was telling them the existence of other aspects of life like career, family and friends. Still I know how they feel though since I was and now in my single hood in my early adult years. Tired of waiting I guess. It does get lonely and sometimes I perceive myself that maybe something is wrong with me. I just can’t figure out what. I mean look at other people who are not so average looking still can hook up with other people. My mother always reminds me of stuff like this about how the way I look and act. Really no one has knocking on my door for the past 10 years I think on my existence. Reinventing then? Kinda hard but as of now I am still convenient on the ways I manage my life. Do I really need to change just to get noticed by someone? My answer is no. Can’t do that I mean that wouldn’t be titled as me right? Yes it’s lonely but it’s more important to respect yourself first.

How about the points on the gay guy? Well let’s just say all he could think as of the moment was that he can get that intimacy stuff but true love is still missing. Sexuality has always been an issue just to get attraction but no passion is present. It’s like a simple attraction according to him no deeper feelings of genuine love. I guess being on the homosexuality stuff still got some issues on this country. I kinda get jealous on where they get their self confidence though. I have self confidence but not that way up like my friend.

I divert myself into thinking there are other stuffs more important than being in such a relationship. It’s kinda hard to do but like I said I have crazy friends! There are some other aspect of life that you have to go up and down with it, its balance you know. You can’t have all the luxuries in the different aspects.

Ironically the song entitled "I Don’t Need a Soul (to hold)" by Relient K fits perfectly to this post.

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Ping Me: an Update

This would be just an update to what I’m busy with.

First my eligibility for NCLEX had arrived and that I surely taking a serious mode on the review thingy. So my schedule is tight with watching anime or series and reading mangas still intact. I’m so happy that I am able to reach katekyo hitman reborn’s latest episode. As of the moment, the latest episode is 190. Just 20 episodes to go and that I’m done, pure stream and that veoh player was my alibi on this. As for the mangas, kurushitsuji is so damn slow on the progress but the latest chapter is pretty good.

yes its cracking...
image by morrighan03

As for the other aspect, my brother has its own laptop and my cousin has a new notebook too. That leaves to me the eldest with the old pc. Damn! Just you wait for earnings and I’ll buy my own laptop. Still on bargaining my father not to disconnect our smartbro and to buy a router to have wifi! Inches to make him say yes hahahaha

Fifa is on the corner. The team I’m betting is still alive! Go argentina! I hope you do good on the quarter finals… betting on Gonzalo Higuain to do that stuff! Spain isn’t bad also plus those Germans do know how to play a good game with the crowds wowing!

Back to NCLEX, I’m having trouble with my friend wait frenemy on when to take the NCLEX. I wanted to take it on September, she wanted to take it on August. August is still early for me since I started second week in June to get my studying straight! Plus she’s the one who decided to stop with the review! If only I decided to ditch her, but that would be rude. My brain hurts, wanting to take with her or should I take alone. My mom bets on taking alone just to make sure. Her mother doesn’t allow her to extend, but I already gave up time on for her to decide but taking it early is a very huge risk. Not only that it’s expensive, but a one time take since the California state requires their state’s SSS number. I can’t do that! I’m still sticking September as my target month, I’m just being careful not reckless. The worse part is that the reason she wants an early take is that a hospital already called her and took the exam. I wasn’t even able to pass the requirements because I was afraid that it would clash on my exam date. Plus she’s not even sure if she passed the exam. It’s not my problem, I already told her that possibility but she pursued it anyway. I don’t want to go with her decision since she already made a wrong one before. I answered her that by the end of July she would get an answer from me.

its a love angle not triangle
image by iann7

This isn’t my business but I can’t stand it. Regards to my brother on his new chic he found. You see this chic was the same person my brother’s best friend tried to court. He failed but didn’t give up that yet. As for one thing my brother, his best friend and this chic are classmates so ultimately they would see each other in school. The best friend however kinda let it slide of courting the chic since he always gets busted. I don’t know if my brother asked any permission or had any closure with his best friend but they stop talking after my brother when for that chic. As for that chic, I don’t know. I feel irritated I mean she obviously know that they are super close friends what the hell he said yes to my brother. As for my brother, what on earth was he thinking ditching his long time friend for a girl! Man its like total wreck, another good relationship went down because of that. I have nothing against that chic, it’s that her action made me judge right away that she has a defect or something. Typing about it makes me annoyed but I can’t stand it! My own brother blinded with that! Typically that couple won’t last knowing my brother but then again I don’t about his best friend though. I even told my brother that clearly he’s the wrong guy on this scenario. He just laughed and won’t listen. Fine then go for the hard way.

Feels kinda relief after those paragraphs. As for other updates, I’m still being jailed for debts! When will this horror ends. Stupid stupid me for being suck a weakling on food! July is here and time time time is oh so precious. Procrastinating should stay away! I miss my friends, the close ones and that spending with frenemy is the only choice I got to be able to remind myself the horrible thing if I fail!

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Wedding anyone?

Half of the year has arrived and still I have no job nor took the NCLEX exam for once. Rainy months with school gates opening give back memories down when I was so excited to have my very cool pencil box and lunch money! Back then it was so simple that all I have to do is ace some exams so that parents would be proud of me… ok ok I have to admit I like to be praised a lot with what I accomplished. Hence I was kinda of a bookworm during elementary and high school days. College changed my vision drastically. Its more like what you want what you do what you get sort of persona. Independence. Oh yes I still love to be praised but my basic instincts on adjusting with people took that away eventually led me to a persona that watches people a lot, from different angles I guess. Now here I am typing this as a person who likes to see people go up, down and down some more.

Missing school? Hell no! It’s the people I guess… never actually pictured out that someday I would actually share these stuffs to a simple site; plus who would waste their time reading on this. A year passed, so what now? For some few friends of mine, they have the job, passed the exam or better yet married.

Intimacy vs. isolation as what Erik Erickson mentioned on the social developmental task of a human being, the young adult.

Physically mature but emotionally flat and spiritually evil. Those words suit me very nicely. For the social aspect? I’ll get to you in that…in due time.

Weddings have been an astonishing fantasy of every girl since childhood (bride wars movie), hmm not to me that is. Yet, in our section in college we have the most number of people married already. Reasons? Unwanted pregnancy? Could be but lets rephrase it to unplanned pregnancy. How about love?? Maybe. Every time I asked a newlywed, they would answered they were sure of the decision and not at least regretted about it. Not quit answering my question. I’m not totally convinced but seeing them tying the knots could be a thrilling more like nerve-racking experience for them. Plus I always check the in-laws reactions of during the whole ceremony thing, that’s the best part of having this early marriages stuff. The in-laws usually give the clear meanings to the wedding.

Yes I have my own life but like I said I enjoy watching people going up, down and down some more. Not saying that marrying early is so bad, it’s that some are going there where I’m here stuck. Stuck on keeping company to myself.

As of now I have clearly no plans of having kids or whatsoever, remember the word independence. This term has been engraved on my skull that my priorities is to get a really nice en route to my life towards traveling and repaying people that I love.

Ok ok I’ll explain my so-called dream wedding even if it’s not really ideal as of the moment. I’m just thinking of stuff to write but hey it’s June and I’m giving the mic to my ego for a change:


Ø I like to have both church and civil weddings
Ø Must be on an autumn month
Ø I like the idea of an autumn themed wedding complete with the maple leaves
Ø Single bridesmaids & groomsmen would be a plus sign
Ø Ceremony on the beach wait make it a park since its autumn themed
Ø No idea who my maid of honor would be
Ø Reception? No idea but the food must be great maybe a 4-5 coursed meal
Ø Cake? I dunno just not white and boring
Ø High school and college with relatives should be there
Ø The color rust and gold would be great
Ø Would be a day that it’s the happiest

Mainly that’s it… and for the record, I predict that none would be in my so called lists hahhahaha anyways I’m introducing some friends of mine who tied the knot earlier this year.

(1) Juzzy with hubby Micheal (2)Clauds with main squeeze Mckoy

(3) Harvey with Jkae (4) Xiang with hubby Janjan

(4) Marie with herman Duke (5) my teacher Diana with husband Earl

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Seeing Blue Heat

The scorching heat is really got into me. Its like hundred nails pricking you in an annoying way! Hence I can’t get wrong what’s not to love about summer!

I usually complain of everything too much in the weather, until now that is. The heat is so contagious that it makes me smile seeing puffy white clouds in a big blue of endless. Gaaaah it’s like a smile burner!

my summer blue heat in ormoc city

Instead of going back to thoughts of problems, my door always pictures a blue sky. I guess being in the second floor with a small balcony is nice! Hahhaha all I could wish is how to get those clouds to my reach. Er flying? Now that would be cool. Hmm maybe that’s the reason why I want to try gliding and jumping out in a plane with a parachute on so much. Para sailing was boring!

blue heat strikes in dalaguite

When the sky is soo blue and I am stuck in a boat trip from ormoc to cebu or vice versa, I would end up staring to the clouds and let my mind wander. Honestly I thought bout the gray man (the reason why I blog again) during most of those trips. And still I have no idea why on earth would I do that. I’m really drawn with the clouds, like they are calling me to come up here and have fun with the sun. Kinda similar to him, they are like magnets!

across the sun on the sands of boracay

under the sun on the heats of borbon

Indeed summer is so contagious! The problem is I have no destinations to go to! Unlike last year, I hope to have another trip to trip this year.

That reminds me, ken zhu’s video was so blue, hahah the show me your love song. Er I know its like ages but then I have to admit this was the only song I love to hear before over and over again! Not a F4 fan though. What else that’s hot about contagious and smile? Hmmmmm summer treats then? That would be a plus sign!

Ken Zhu's MV on Show me Your Love (catchy!)
plus its a karaoke version

Showing some skin is not, definitely not in my list. That would be suicide plus I have enough of that last year (Bora moments). March is drawing really fast, and the real summer months are approaching along the way would be the dreadful exam. Until now, I have no idea when my date test would be. I guess I should stop procrastinating… in another day! Hahaha

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Karma hit YOU pretty Good

Weird I was jokingly wishing for something bad to that person, guess what? It did happen! Instead of feeling oh so cloud nine, it’s more like I’m feeling guilty for having saying that in the first place…

guilty! by *dholl

One things for sure, revenge isn’t sweet... for this time but I didn’t do anything, I just let time and karma to break in and loose all hell that I was feeling before… maybe just maybe good vibration is on my side! whooppeee I just wish that good vibration would be there until the day I’m done with the exams and all…

What other stuff happen was that he has to challenge himself on getting his relationship to work. But still I believe in him that he’ll pull things off for the better of them. Hmmmm I think I’m the bad guy in this scenario! Hahahaha since the results came for the NLE, guilt was on my part. Guilty of saying those words out loud, guilty of cursing him before, guilty of being a selfish person. My ego hurt badly and well things just way got of hand when the world stabs you.

I am jealous! That’s a big word that I hate using against me since now I can still feel evil thoughts crawling in. I know I don’t have any rights! Not even a single bit! Maybe that’s why I hate Februarys, it’s the month of love and his birthday. I’ve been hating that month for 3 years in a row! A lot of good people like my dad and two close friends celebrate their birthdays this month. I guess those happiness where overshadowed. Hating that there is nothing I could do that I could get even with him without hurting him.

I always have negative feelings during this month, after what happened! Experience was a cruel thing to teach me though… (thanks to a status, this was on my head!)

You may call him innocent since he has no idea but it’s really nice to like saying it straight to him so that thoughts are cleared. Problem is I readily assume things; I’m a girl for crying out loud! I could laugh about it, but then thinking again makes me realize what a sleezeball I am. Lame right? What the heck. I just hate that my wall crumbled to the ground, without any help directly from him. I was forced to put it back together since that’s my only choice.

Yeah I’m being a paranoid, evil thinker and green eyed monster. Ok I have to admit being those three has its advantages.

(pause: stares computer for 45 seconds)

karma hit him pretty good (evil laugh!) by ARFI

Hmmm wait typing after this, makes my head and conscience clear! I’m washing my hands over this and it’s a Sunday. I didn’t do anything; I let time do his thing.

That’s right, I let karma hit him pretty good.

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Ugly Love

Before I could scream all of my angst inside there are some major points I would like to clarify. I have never been in to a serious relationship so how do I know all these stuff? I guess people are so into that state that when it comes to failing or broken hearts, I’m just unluckily there… gathering all data er more like witnessing them that it comes in all forms. No I am not a love guru or an expert as the matter of fact, but I think the data I gathered are quite sufficiently enough for me to speak my mind off.

Its true being in love is one of the greatest thing that man will ever experience. At least you have the reason to look forward unto the day, or that someone would rescue you from all you woes or having someone who just loves every bit and piece of you including your teeth.

One aspect I can see clearly is that there are no permanent happy endings. When we were young, tv has probably feeding us inputs that are more on the positive sides of life. Yeah there’s like a little part when the evil triumphs but hey! Who wants evil to win in a movie right?? Luckily, life has its little secrets to feed us (reality) and it goes by with us. More like wheels, going up and down, up and down again… that stuff… thus divorce was born! People just easily get married and if happy ending runs out pooof! Lawyers and papers kicks in. I don’t get it; marriage is like a really big step and here we are in this world practicing man and woman to be easily divided just by signing some papers. Mind you only the lawyers gain all the profit…

Torn apart by sailor-midnightstar

One funny data I also see is that people all get really really crazy when it comes the love agenda. Either way, all I could say is plain over reacting. One situation is even if the couple are still together likely one partner would pull something pathetic which maybe kinda weird more likely creepy hahaha, fine fine the partner is just being sweet right? Really there are just some people that just takes over the lives of one’s partner… more like the boss or like the master puppeteer… females usually do this controlling their partner’s movements, kinda sucks for being in his shoes don’t you think? I mean give the guy his privacy, because too much isn’t healthy. Plus trust him, he’ll come back to you like a lost puppy for sure. (unless your putting him too much trust, that he’s cheating on you tsk tsk tsk) like what my cousins say, respect and communication should be there… (this part here was all their idea hehehe)

As for the other aspect, hitting splits Ville. All I could think about this one is the inner wildness in us more like the inner jealousy in us just takes over all our existence. Its like your partner just hit you really good and the wake up call comes in different things: revenge, remorse or killing thyself. It’s still ugly…

Next would be the sex thing. Every guy just wanna get laid. Usually they prefer doing it being the first one to a gal, I dunno maybe it’s like a male dominance thing. Since mostly I’m surrounded with overflowing testosterones in my family, this topic has been more like a common conversation. Believe me, it was weird at first but then those guys did teach me something… yes I’m a girl but just because I see a naked photo of I guy that doesn’t mean I’m hitting trough orgasm… I guess girls are hard to please hahaha

Trapped by Love? by LordMishkin

The only nuisance about girls is that doing it first to a guy and then when they broke up, the girl just go berserk and all. Yes we live in a conservative country, and that virginity is sacred to us but why go nuts? I’m not blaming them for anything but 75% of it belonged to them since they let their man do it. But because the guy loves you and all still it’s your responsibility, only girls have the rights to be in that position or not. (except for rape) Personally, I guess its ok to be devirginize now a days and mostly people see it as part of society; slowly accepting though… but just remember the balance beam, cause the risk factors are quite huge compared to 10-15 minutes of pleasure. And oh practice it safely too.

So far, those are my data that are clearly to see. Hmmm there are other aspects too, like the age gap, mistresses, unrequited love and cheating. Mostly these are depict on movies... Love just not all sunny days you know...

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